Interesting Customer of the Week (The Return)

In between ranting about how shit everything is, and pondering how jealous the entire cosmos is of my brilliance, I tend to spend time earning money in a shop, unlike a good few of my readers you freeloading, sponge-esque fucks. And we do get some interesting customers, which you may have guessed if:

A) You've seen this feature before
B) You read the fucking title and have enough braincells to fathom out that this isn't about cream slices.

But we had one guy today who deserves a mention. Normal shopper, which equates basically as somebody who spent his youth giving himself sloppy blow-jobs as opposed to learning basic etiquette. The dialogue between us went as follows:

Him: Your stock's a bit shit isn't it?
Me: Don't shop here then.

I think that I am totally justified in my opinions that anybody I meet at work is a tosser who should take their dicks out of their eyes long enough to see that anybody who gets paid minimum wage doesn't give a fuck about their shitty, pointless, nit-pick observations about anything. To customers the world over "Fuck off to an island and never come back you ignorant twats."

-Az

Believe it?

I will readily admit that everybody is entitled to their opinions. As misguided as some opinions may be, everybody is entitled to them. For example, there are some people who hold onto the belief that Mario is still a franchise with good games, and whilst these people are very fucking wrong, it's not very nice to attack such people, and illogical as there are laws protecting the mentally disadvantaged.

However, there is an exception to this particular rule. This comes in the form of the "Narutard" Such a creature is so named as a portmantaeu of the words "Naruto" and "retard". Naruto, for those of you who have never heard of it, rare and fortunate as you are, is an anime based around a ninja training school. And is shit. The whole series is remarkably Western, which is always a bad characteristic for an anime, but justified. As far as I can tell, the entire thing is based around sounding slightly Japanese, trying to be Dragonball-Z and providing an chance for pre-pubescent females to pretend that they're "cool" and "alternative". And lure older men who should know better into their scrawny embrace just so they can win more respect in the eyes of their fellows for having an older boyfriend.

I fail utterly to see why, in any possible reality, such a shoddy excuse for a program could ever have been approved, except possibly just to grab cash from kids who know no better, and as something to easily spawn merchandise, for example swirl headband things which look like a cunt printed on a chunk of metal attached to cheap fabric. I can't see at all why anybody would watch this, but then nobody understands why I cut out paperchains of people holding hands, attach them to a fan, whilst switching the lights on and off so I can hold my own personal rave.

-Az

Reality is the new escape

Those of you with a nervous disposition towards terrible stories of human evil please don't read the rest of this post, as Rai drew my attention to an event a couple of years old now that has left me in near pieces.

A little while ago there was a girl who played World of Warcraft. She had many online friends, but she then sadly passed away in real life. Her friends, being all around the globe, decided to hold an online funeral for her in the game, at a location she had enjoyed. Unorthodox? Certainly, but a gesture I'm sure most of you can sympathise with given the context. Anyway, these friends of hers arranged the funeral and asked fellow players not to attack them as a show of respect.

A rival army ambushed them mid-funeral for whatever reason people do that to each other on WoW. Actually, it wasn't really a rival army, the guild that did this were doing it SPECIFICALLY to wreck the funeral. When reading about this I heard rumours that the deceased girls parents were watching this as it took place. This wasn't the death of a character, it was the death of a human being that was mocked and vandalised for all to see. Were these people punished? Of course not, they didn't do anything technically beyond the rules of the game. People don't commit this sort of act in real life for fear of reprisal. Is it worrying that we are starting to have to turn to reality for our escape from the moral monstrosities that plague our society?

Some of you may have read Craig's blog (http://guessthepassword.blogspot.com/) on the same topic, but if not I'm going to borrow this quote from the youtube comments page:

"Well i dont feel bad for the horde their. Its fucking payback for all the bullshit in Quel'Danas. They called alliance pussy Bassicly. for those horde who knew her im glad that bitch died, so why dont you go make a raid group and camp people in Quel'Danas some more then bitch, Peace out"

~Some dickwad

Ignore the crappy spelling and the names of factions you don't understand....I think you get the message.

And there are others similar. And a hell of alot saying "It was their own fault for having the funeral in contested territory". By the letter of the law, that's right. But these guys gave plenty of warning TO THE ATTACKERS and just asked for common human decency. Apparently it's OK to exploit people's grief over the death of someone close to them as long as you're doing it from behind a keyboard.

Damn, it's at times like this I wish there was a God just so these so called "people" can be well and truly smoten.

Here's hoping for a return to comedic form next post eh?

~Fox

Here's commitment for ya

While I write this latest chunk of the scripture you filthy buggers use in your nightly rituals of drinking hot chocolate in your pyjamas that your mommy so nicely laid out for you before you go to bed, followed immediately by jerking off to some horrible drawings on deviantART, I'm in the middle of Romania being horribly confused by Eastern European culture. And as such, I have sought refuge in an internet cafe, which will lead with a bit of luck to some form of a restaurant with attached bar. Until such a time, I decided to look through recent comments on here, and was amused by one from my Mario Kart review.

"Sucks more than Rai behind the bike sheds"

And we see a perfect example of internet culture, mindless abuse. Thus we see a positive attribute of the internet, the ability to sharpen the wit in the process of arguing a point during healthy debate. Or, more likely, just degenerate into a disgusting repetition of "lol, ur the suxxors!" and I fully expect a flow of freakish, exorcist style, bile for my demonstrated inability to use the bizarre dialect known as Leet. Which I shall refuse to use. Because it sucks more than Mario Kart, or alternatively more than one of my readers behind the bikesheds, or so (according to 'Sprog') I am led to believe.

Leet seems to me an ultimate example of hatred in the direction of the English language. Congratulations to all you pale conspiracy whores, you have all become chavs, albeit chavs who dedicate their lives to their complete fantasy persona's in World of Warcraft, and have nothing else to do but to argue on forums, read shitty blogs telling them how much they suck, and to pretend at night when they think nobody's awake, that their hand is Princess Zeldas mouth.

~Az

Fanboy Baiting

Looking back at the comments received for my Mario Kart review, as well as some actual human conversation regarding my opinion as wrong, I've decided to pay attention to these alternative opinions, and throw them in the bin along with my respect for mankind and also any journalistic integrity I may have had. So get fucked, I'm right, Mario Kart Wii is a fucking terrible game.

Just to alienate any readers out there trying desparately to see some form of irony in the preceeding words, here is everything wrong with Nintendo ever.

1. Mario. Nintendos trademark fat Italian plumber. As much respect as I have for the Italians, and also those of the drainage and irrigation profession, Mario as a character is an annoying fuckweed. It strikes me as odd that in the games wherein there is a choice, Luigi (almost as worthless) is generally the better character, proving faster and able to jump higher in the 2D games, and some of the 3D ones. Paper Mario is an exception, merely because this is a FUN mario game, something which has only existed twice before in history, in the form of "Super Mario Land" and "Super Mario Land2: 6 Golden Coins".
2. Princess Peach. Whilst she generally exists as a plot device, anything which results in so much nauseating erotica on deviantART is a bad thing, much deserved of horrible torture involving cheese graters and erogenous zones.
3. Bowser. Ok, I should logically have nothing against Bowser. He dislikes Mario, and this wins him points in my book. However, he probably commissions most of the Peach Erotica, and this takes him in the direction of the soup course at a nearby seafood Restaurant. Judging by the regular enemies of Mario games, he's also a useless commander of armed forces. Which makes me wonder how he's still in command.
4. Mario Kart. It's just fucking worthless, especially the Wii edition.
5. Mario Tennis. Similarly worthless.
6. Mar...actually, any Mario spin-off except Paper Mario. Whilst some of the 2D Marios were fun, they didn't warrant the vast amount of shit that they spawned.
7. Toad/Goombas/any form of pop culture regarding these two. As much as I do accept geek culture as a good thing, these two characters are just annoying. Toad is a high voiced useless prick, and Goombas are, thankfully voiceless, armless pricks. If you want a T-Shirt with a classic video game character, at least pick a good character, like Zool.
8. Zelda, Legend of. My mum plays Zelda. My mum also reads the social work pages of The Guardian. 'nuff said.
9. Absolute refusal to try inventing a new character, or game type. Just refer to any Zero Punctuation video regarding Nintendo, the man is absolutely right. If you don't know what Zero Punctuation is, how the sordid, Norweigan FUCK did you end up reading blogs?
10. The occasionally useless controls. Picture the scene. Resident Evil 4. In a swamp, surrounded by zombies. You flick the controller to reload the weapon. Instead, Leon, the brainless Westlife reject that he is, contents himself to rotate on the spot anti-clockwise. This happens alarmingly regularly.
11. Needing to pay to download the internet browser for the Wii. That can fuck right off.
12. Finally, their rabid, drooling fanbase, who refuse to accept anything wrong with their chosen deity. In this way, Nintendo fanboys are like Middle-American Fundamentalist Christians. But not as fat.

-Az

Journeys End

At the risk of sounding a complete copycat twat (Oh look, a rhyme) I'm about to review the final episode of the most recent series of Doctor Who (Y'know, the one with Davros.) So if ya aint seen it, and wish to avoid spoilers, I direct you to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Search_of_Lost_Time

So. A mildly logical reason for David Tennant not being replaced. Such a scenario could've worked, but alas Mr Tennant shall be the last doctor, as his regeneration would result in the mass suicide of a million fangirls. And as his hand is still floating around, this is something the future writers must deal with.

The good fellow who's review I took inspiration from (a link to his blog can be found to the right somewhere) stated that the clone Doctor was so Rose could have a happy ending. To me it seems that the writers had a more sinister motive. In fact, the concept of two Doctors, or at least two David Tennants, is destined to flood deviantARTs fan-fictions from now until the day I happily embrace a cactus and proclaim it the greatest lover I've ever had, and I don't care if it doesn't call, at least I've been happy enough to feel its spiney warmth for one night of drunken action.

So, enough Tennant obsessives offended then. Davros was awesome, even though by all rights he's died more times than Ricky Gervais when he needs to be unscripted, and probably shouldn't have been in the episode. However, the madness of Dalek Caan was fucking awesome, and he remains the best Dalek ever.

And so, we move swiftly onto the overdose of companions. Jack Harkness is always a good thing, even though as the episode was airing deviantART traffic was freaking out and all the submissions became remarkably homoerotic (possibly overdoing the joke, but you gotta admit, I do have a point.) Rose returned for some stupid fucking reason, something which was as inevitable as the tides, and as welcome as Josef Mengale. But she's gone forever now now, which is joyous. Sarah Jane Smith is good, so she escapes with the minimum of bile, although the kid from her spin-off series is an annoying little shit. It was good to see Mickey and Jackie again, who are always good for a laugh, and Martha is at least a logical addition to this finale, even if I generally dislike the character (The episodes of the previous series "Utopia", "The Sound of Drums" and "Last of the Time Lords" being the only exception.)

And we move now to Donna. I have enjoyed this companion, who worked nicely as opposed to Rose and Martha, who's romantic approach failed utterly to work, it was much better to see a companion without total fawning adoration, and some of her more emotional performances were fantastic, especially when her memory is wiped.

And so, we draw to a close. One thing left to say: As much as I adore the Daleks, for fucks sake can you try and introduced a new villain to offer a decent threat to the universe. Although having said that, bringing back The Master can only be a good thing.

-Az

Kart of Darkness

If you've gone remotely near to the interweb, any gaming store, or have a friend who is partially interested in gaming, chances are you've heard of Mario Kart, an edition of which recently was released upon that most childish of gaming platforms, the Nintendo Wii, providing yet another opportunity for obsessive fanboys/girls to vigorously pleasure themselves whilst staring at their favourite overused Nintendo characters, as opposed to filling their computers with gruesome deviantART images.

Fanbase aside, there are scores upon scores of problems with Mario Kart Wii. The actual driving for example. It's really slow feeling, all of the karts handle like shopping trolleys filled with concrete and assorted detritus, and you never get a decent power up when you need one, whereas the computer controlled opponents all use this games equivalent to the hydrogen bomb, so half the races are spent using an irritatingly shrunken kart. The bikes have the same powerup issue, as well as feeling really slow, and handling like an old lady on wheels, but are also impossible to point in a straight line, thus any levels with places to drop into horrible oblivion (for example, most of them) become an exercise is failure.

Feeling irritated at the racing side of the game, I wandered with glee through the menu screens (which are easy to navigate, unlike the tracks) onto the battle game. Which was similar to the racing game, and my chosen character appeared to do battle with nearby walls. Fucking yay. Good time had by all.

Having attempted this for some time, I realised that this game was not designed for single player use! And happily scooted over to the online play where I expected to have a fun time racing and talking with happy, friendly people from all over the world. Which got kicked in the head when I realised that I was racing against A.Hitler from Germany, whos avatar had an officers uniform and a moustache to match. Great. And the same qualms with the racing occured with the online game, except now I was racing a million sad lonely people who play this game so much that they know every track perfectly. That last part mightve just been me sucking, but I swear I'm not alone in the suckage of this game.

-Az