I got sick of interesting customer of the week. As you may have noticed. As much as I find the people who come along to my place of business a largely fascinating breed of cock-mops, they are still cock-mops and remain destined to be labelled so forever. Tossers the lot of 'em.
So, on with a rant.
About the same scrotum-sucking bags of pus, shit and crusted over ejaculate mentioned in the first paragraph. Having finished uni for the year, I've been entertaining myself by working overtime, to my eternal regret. The preferable alternative to facing full-time retail work, as I've recently discovered, is to walk naked into the meeting place of a group of violent feminists, and hand out the kitchen utensils. But as all of you pricks would sorely miss me if I stopped writing for this semi-regular foul-mouthed psychosis, I shan't do that.
There are three types of customer in this horrible thing we call a world. The first is the awkward bugger, who wants the item from the top shelf, or wants us to head to the stockroom to find whatever garment they are questing for. This is about the best sort of customer we get. The second is the middle-aged female, having given up on life and now floating through existance with a trackie (Tracky? Trackee? How do ya spell that?) a screaming brat that she's looking after for the mother who's just started her GCSE's and a husband who's so pissed off at his shitty job and total impotance that he gets his kicks from throwing empty Stella cans at those near to him. This broken women are normally haunting the womenswear or underwear sections (Trying to convince themselves that they can be physically attractive, goddammit!) so I don't see them too much. Until they venture into menswear, and ask me if we do tracksuit trousers that would be suitable for a formal occasion. Jesus Christ I wish I was joking about that.
Then, looming over the piss-stained horizon, are the gold medallist scrotum-suckers. If Bruce Springsteen had recorded "Born to Suck Scrotum" then these guys would be on the front cover. (Yes it's a Pratchett joke.) The type of individual who comes along just to be fucking annoying. By pulling apart stands, knocking over displays that I know through experience take about half an hour to tidy. And then they depart, with a smile on their miserable little fucking faces.
Fuckers. All of them.
-Az
Friday, 30 May 2008
Friday, 16 May 2008
Student Finance Indirect
The question "is it worth it for a couple of hundred quid?" rarely has a realistic answer of "no". I mean obviously if the "it" involved killing someone or being tortured for months on end then we'd probably sacrifice the money, but on the whole a couple of hundred quid is worth a moderate investment of time and effort.
Unfortunately, the fates - coupled with my own idiocy and a hideously designed financing system - have conspired against me to make sure I go slightly poorer than I would otherwise have gone. I refer today to the ridiculous Student Finance Direct system. You see, having encountered a small problem with my University Bursary application (I'd filled out the form very slightly wrong), I was required to telephone the Student Finance office and ask them to rectify my mistake.
Upon dialling the number I got a set of multiple choice questions. 'Are you the policy holder?" and things along those lines. I was then asked the question "Please enter your ART ID. This can be found on any correspondence we have sent you". Not one to be disheartened quickly, I set off in search for one of the many letters Student Finance have sent me over the past year. Could I find one? Not a bloody chance.
Slightly angered I ventured to their website, where all I had to do to find out my ID was to enter my password and answer to secret question. I completed these steps only to be told they were wrong. So I tried another possible password. Wrong again. And again, and repeat ad naseum for 50 separate attempts.
Seeing as I only use two passwords for all my official business, I suddenly realised that Student Finance must be one of those that asks for a really obscure password. You know, the ones that are 50 characters in length and contain at least 3 numbers and a pirate flag. Admitting defeat, I clicked on the link to have them reset my password and send me the new details via my e-mail.
"Please enter you ART ID."
....FUCK!!
~Fox.
Unfortunately, the fates - coupled with my own idiocy and a hideously designed financing system - have conspired against me to make sure I go slightly poorer than I would otherwise have gone. I refer today to the ridiculous Student Finance Direct system. You see, having encountered a small problem with my University Bursary application (I'd filled out the form very slightly wrong), I was required to telephone the Student Finance office and ask them to rectify my mistake.
Upon dialling the number I got a set of multiple choice questions. 'Are you the policy holder?" and things along those lines. I was then asked the question "Please enter your ART ID. This can be found on any correspondence we have sent you". Not one to be disheartened quickly, I set off in search for one of the many letters Student Finance have sent me over the past year. Could I find one? Not a bloody chance.
Slightly angered I ventured to their website, where all I had to do to find out my ID was to enter my password and answer to secret question. I completed these steps only to be told they were wrong. So I tried another possible password. Wrong again. And again, and repeat ad naseum for 50 separate attempts.
Seeing as I only use two passwords for all my official business, I suddenly realised that Student Finance must be one of those that asks for a really obscure password. You know, the ones that are 50 characters in length and contain at least 3 numbers and a pirate flag. Admitting defeat, I clicked on the link to have them reset my password and send me the new details via my e-mail.
"Please enter you ART ID."
....FUCK!!
~Fox.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
I think you're fit but my god don't you know it
Whilst all of you out there who read this semi-regular writing all hold similar opinions of me (You either want to be me or spend your time vigorously masturbating over me, depending on gender and sexual preference) I would like to make one simple request, even though you so obviously hold this opinion, never, ever, refer to me, or anybody as being "fit".
Over the top egotisical ranting aside, I really mean it. 'Fit' in terms of physical attractiveness is just fucking stupid and I dislike it. Much the same as the word "Innit" it reeks of laziness and show a remarkable lack of vocabulary. Why not try a new word, like "Pretty", or "Beautiful" or some such, possibly combining words to form an accurate description, maybe injecting some slightly more intellect into your conversations. Example:
Cor, she/he/it's well fit innit?! - Bad sentence construction
I say, what an attractive young lady/unrivalled example of man/lovely statue of the late Linda McCartney. - Good sentence, although if you go after statues of the late Linda McCartney there's something wrong with you.
It might just be me and my obvious southern pansy ways, but these speaking mannerisms are bloody annoying. Especially as they are often found in conjunction with overly jingoistic political views, who wish for England to remain England, largely place immigrants as the sole reason for everything wrong with this country, and complain that they can't even speak the language.
Which to me seems somewhat hypocritical. My advice for these Stella -swilling scrotum suckers is to buy a thesaurus, and get one of your imbecile friends to beat you to death with it.
-Az
Over the top egotisical ranting aside, I really mean it. 'Fit' in terms of physical attractiveness is just fucking stupid and I dislike it. Much the same as the word "Innit" it reeks of laziness and show a remarkable lack of vocabulary. Why not try a new word, like "Pretty", or "Beautiful" or some such, possibly combining words to form an accurate description, maybe injecting some slightly more intellect into your conversations. Example:
Cor, she/he/it's well fit innit?! - Bad sentence construction
I say, what an attractive young lady/unrivalled example of man/lovely statue of the late Linda McCartney. - Good sentence, although if you go after statues of the late Linda McCartney there's something wrong with you.
It might just be me and my obvious southern pansy ways, but these speaking mannerisms are bloody annoying. Especially as they are often found in conjunction with overly jingoistic political views, who wish for England to remain England, largely place immigrants as the sole reason for everything wrong with this country, and complain that they can't even speak the language.
Which to me seems somewhat hypocritical. My advice for these Stella -swilling scrotum suckers is to buy a thesaurus, and get one of your imbecile friends to beat you to death with it.
-Az
Friday, 9 May 2008
Yet Another Teen Suicide
Serious article today, sorry.
I'd like you all to look here:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/emo_music_attacked_over_teen_suicide.html
Once again we see the media up in arms, stating that all these horrible influences are warping the precious children. We saw this with the Grand Theft Auto series, Marilyn Manson was (wrongly) blamed for Columbine, and various copycat-killings have been attributed to the influence of films, mostly those of the horror genre. (For example, the ban on Stanley Kubricks "A Clockwork Orange" although that was self imposed.)
However, the total lack of research by reporters into how these so called "emo" bands operate is concerning, an example of this can be found on the Daily Mail website:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=400953&in_page_id=1770
Anybody who sees "emo" as a dangerous cult may possibly need their head looking at. It seems that our scaremongering friends in the media are terrified of freedom of expression, and wish to shield children from things that they may enjoy, could make them think, and god-forbid, help them form an identity. This approach of subtle conformity is truly disgusting.
I would like to say to those who feel this way about "emo" to possibly do some more research on the subject. None of the "emo" fans I know would glorify self-harm, and the whole scene largely works as a way of helping those who may be upset, something which is very common amongst teenagers. Perhaps instead of jumping to conclusions and using examples such as the poor girl who tragically ended her life (as seen in the first link) the media should try asking around slightly more, talking to normal teenagers on the street, or even getting a comment from the bands themselves.
-Az
P.S. This whole post is dedicated to the memory of Hannah Bond, the aforementioned girl, and my thoughts go out to her parents at this time.
EDIT: One of my loyal readers pointed out the following to me:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1935735/Popular-schoolgirl-dies-in-%27emo-sucide-cult%27.html
Which is slightly less uninformed than The Daily Mail, but still pretty bad. One example can be found with speaking about “the black parade” - a place where “emos” believe they go after they die. Pardon me for actually knowing something about recent pop music, but "The Black Parade" is a concept album by the band "My Chemical Romance" and listening to it in no way glamourises death, especially in regards to suicide.
Emo is not a cult, it's simply a fashion trend. Still, despite the abhorrant error in reporting "The Black Parade" as some kind of afterlife, I give the Telegraph some grudging respect. "While most fans simply enjoy the music and dress, others take their fascination to a sinister level." The combination of emo and suicide is not a hugely common one. I pray that the media will not make people believe it to be so.
I'd like you all to look here:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/emo_music_attacked_over_teen_suicide.html
Once again we see the media up in arms, stating that all these horrible influences are warping the precious children. We saw this with the Grand Theft Auto series, Marilyn Manson was (wrongly) blamed for Columbine, and various copycat-killings have been attributed to the influence of films, mostly those of the horror genre. (For example, the ban on Stanley Kubricks "A Clockwork Orange" although that was self imposed.)
However, the total lack of research by reporters into how these so called "emo" bands operate is concerning, an example of this can be found on the Daily Mail website:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=400953&in_page_id=1770
Anybody who sees "emo" as a dangerous cult may possibly need their head looking at. It seems that our scaremongering friends in the media are terrified of freedom of expression, and wish to shield children from things that they may enjoy, could make them think, and god-forbid, help them form an identity. This approach of subtle conformity is truly disgusting.
I would like to say to those who feel this way about "emo" to possibly do some more research on the subject. None of the "emo" fans I know would glorify self-harm, and the whole scene largely works as a way of helping those who may be upset, something which is very common amongst teenagers. Perhaps instead of jumping to conclusions and using examples such as the poor girl who tragically ended her life (as seen in the first link) the media should try asking around slightly more, talking to normal teenagers on the street, or even getting a comment from the bands themselves.
-Az
P.S. This whole post is dedicated to the memory of Hannah Bond, the aforementioned girl, and my thoughts go out to her parents at this time.
EDIT: One of my loyal readers pointed out the following to me:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1935735/Popular-schoolgirl-dies-in-%27emo-sucide-cult%27.html
Which is slightly less uninformed than The Daily Mail, but still pretty bad. One example can be found with speaking about “the black parade” - a place where “emos” believe they go after they die. Pardon me for actually knowing something about recent pop music, but "The Black Parade" is a concept album by the band "My Chemical Romance" and listening to it in no way glamourises death, especially in regards to suicide.
Emo is not a cult, it's simply a fashion trend. Still, despite the abhorrant error in reporting "The Black Parade" as some kind of afterlife, I give the Telegraph some grudging respect. "While most fans simply enjoy the music and dress, others take their fascination to a sinister level." The combination of emo and suicide is not a hugely common one. I pray that the media will not make people believe it to be so.
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Pretentious, moi?
I make no pretense that I am a pretentious bugger, truly I'm often to be found listening to Bach's lesser known works whilst reading a book with horribly arty ideals. All I need now is a roll-neck jumper (black) and a beret (also black) and I'll fit in perfectly with all of the irritating pricks often to be found on coffee shops arguing about Marcel Proust.
However, in the course of viewing 70s prog-rock band Focus with a good friend of mine (who shall be referred to as Leroy from now on, simply because I like the name) I encountered somebody who may be more pretentious than I.
Midway through the set, I turned to Leroy, and told him something (the exact details escape me) and he responded. At which point, Mr Pretentious himself commented, in these exact words, "If you want to chat, go outside"
What the fuck? We were in a busy music venue, a fairly huge amount of people were dancing, and generally have a good time. And this guy had the call to moan at us for talking? Seriously now, if you wanna listen to music under conditions chosen exactly by you, then get some decent speakers, a stereo and a copy of their album.
No point at all to make here. Just felt like you should be warned about people like this. They should be shot for their own safety.
-Az
However, in the course of viewing 70s prog-rock band Focus with a good friend of mine (who shall be referred to as Leroy from now on, simply because I like the name) I encountered somebody who may be more pretentious than I.
Midway through the set, I turned to Leroy, and told him something (the exact details escape me) and he responded. At which point, Mr Pretentious himself commented, in these exact words, "If you want to chat, go outside"
What the fuck? We were in a busy music venue, a fairly huge amount of people were dancing, and generally have a good time. And this guy had the call to moan at us for talking? Seriously now, if you wanna listen to music under conditions chosen exactly by you, then get some decent speakers, a stereo and a copy of their album.
No point at all to make here. Just felt like you should be warned about people like this. They should be shot for their own safety.
-Az
Friday, 25 April 2008
Interesting Customer of the Week Part 5
Visiting my local station of gaming today, with the intention of purchasing House of the Dead 2+3 for the Wii (If you were vaguely interested, which you probably were seeing as how I'm totally loved and admired by all you lot as though I was a tall glass of ice and rum on a warm day at the beach) I encountered somebody. Two somebody's in fact.
The first was your average middle aged woman, looking a bit lost in this ocean of gaming spittle, and the second was probably her son, aged around 14, wearing a Linkin Park hoody, the deep and meaningful muso that he so clearly is. Anyhows, the following conversation did occur presented now word for word, for your amusement.
Woman: Oooo I think I might get Wii fit.
Son: You don't own a Wii.
Woman: You need a Wii to play Wii Fit?
At which point I had no choice whatsoever but to completely collapse laughing. She may have been offended, but whatever. This struck me as being an awesome conversation to witness, and also struck me as eternally grateful that I don't work in tech support or gaming retail.
-Az
P.S. I'm aware that I didn't work there. She was still a customer. So if all you Daily Sport reading peasants want to complain then please mail them in a ground glass covered envelope to your arse.
The first was your average middle aged woman, looking a bit lost in this ocean of gaming spittle, and the second was probably her son, aged around 14, wearing a Linkin Park hoody, the deep and meaningful muso that he so clearly is. Anyhows, the following conversation did occur presented now word for word, for your amusement.
Woman: Oooo I think I might get Wii fit.
Son: You don't own a Wii.
Woman: You need a Wii to play Wii Fit?
At which point I had no choice whatsoever but to completely collapse laughing. She may have been offended, but whatever. This struck me as being an awesome conversation to witness, and also struck me as eternally grateful that I don't work in tech support or gaming retail.
-Az
P.S. I'm aware that I didn't work there. She was still a customer. So if all you Daily Sport reading peasants want to complain then please mail them in a ground glass covered envelope to your arse.
Monday, 21 April 2008
Metal Gear Offline
Sorry for my last post, I was just making a quick note of something I discussed and forgot to sign my name, as Az pointed out, and I assure you I was hunted down and mauled by seven hungry tigers as a fitting and just punishment. However, now that I have paid my dues to society, I feel another entry is in order to give me something to do as the wounds heal. Ears can grow back, right?
Anyhow, fully limbed or no, I recently discovered that pretty much everywhere on the globe was getting a downloadable beta of "Metal Gear Online", a PS3 exclusive featuring squad based combat and due to be shipped free with Metal Gear Solid 4 in mid-June. I was pretty chuffed at this, so I got to downloading and installing the application as fast as my Ethernet cable would allow.
24 hours later I was online and ready to go! Being the optimistic son of a bitch that I am, I had few worries on my mind as I selected "Start Game". With hindsight, I should have taken that itself as a dark omen hanging above my unknowing head. The first seemingly minor obstacle occurred when I had to enter my "Game ID", something which I can't get without first signing up for a 'Konami ID". Fair enough, a quick diversion to the registration website will see me blowing up other people in mere minutes! But, of course, the site doesn't work properly. Each page took half a minute to load, and after completing 99% of my form, I would click "Submit" only to be told that I had taken too long and the confirmation page had timed out.
Needless to say, Konami were spared the view of my gesture by my unrelenting good will and of course the sticks which I had taken to thrusting into their eyes. But, as their tears flowed red, my registration was finally complete and my metaphorical friends were both forgiven and given the name of a good eye doctor in braille.
Now I want to play a small game of "Choose your own adventure"! If registering solved everything, go to part (1). If more problem arose, skip (1) and go to (A). And yes I know it should be (2), but (A) kept complaining that it wasn't important enough and I'm too tired to have an argument with the voices in my head about political correctness and the inherent prejudices of our alphanumeric linguistics system, OK?
(1) Go to (A)
(A) "Unable to connect to server".
Needless to say the sticks were promptly returned to their rightful places as I ventured onto the MGO website looking for answers to my riddle. "The beta has been indefinitely suspended as we were not able to cope with the high volumes of traffic that far exceeded our expectations".
How fucking stupid can you get? So let me get this straight: A FREE beta test, giving users an insight into how Metal Gear Solid 4 will look and play, as well as granting the eagerly anticipated multiplayer, was not given a priority of "every fucking server we can get out hands on"? A sneak peak of one of the most eagerly anticipated games the world has ever known? And Konami are no strangers to the online world, many of their other games have a multiplayer component and MGO was given an alpha run out for anyone who bought MGS3: Subsistence on the PS2. So how exactly did they not see this coming? Did they honestly expect this to sneak under the radar? I can see their logic, after all its not like any of the other games in the series were hailed as revolutionary works of art that sold millions upon millions of copies? Right? ....hello?
In closing, these people need to get the simple age old message into their ridiculously short sighted minds that it is better to have too much than too few. If they have 50 servers and only need 30 then they can always shut a bunch down, but not having enough to meet demand is appalling, especially given the warning signs they had when the beta was announced and their registration site suffered the exact same problem.
Still, keep an eye out on the street from now on. If they have red-eye in real life, chances are they're a Konami employee!
Konami's foresight: 2/10
~ Fox
Anyhow, fully limbed or no, I recently discovered that pretty much everywhere on the globe was getting a downloadable beta of "Metal Gear Online", a PS3 exclusive featuring squad based combat and due to be shipped free with Metal Gear Solid 4 in mid-June. I was pretty chuffed at this, so I got to downloading and installing the application as fast as my Ethernet cable would allow.
24 hours later I was online and ready to go! Being the optimistic son of a bitch that I am, I had few worries on my mind as I selected "Start Game". With hindsight, I should have taken that itself as a dark omen hanging above my unknowing head. The first seemingly minor obstacle occurred when I had to enter my "Game ID", something which I can't get without first signing up for a 'Konami ID". Fair enough, a quick diversion to the registration website will see me blowing up other people in mere minutes! But, of course, the site doesn't work properly. Each page took half a minute to load, and after completing 99% of my form, I would click "Submit" only to be told that I had taken too long and the confirmation page had timed out.
Needless to say, Konami were spared the view of my gesture by my unrelenting good will and of course the sticks which I had taken to thrusting into their eyes. But, as their tears flowed red, my registration was finally complete and my metaphorical friends were both forgiven and given the name of a good eye doctor in braille.
Now I want to play a small game of "Choose your own adventure"! If registering solved everything, go to part (1). If more problem arose, skip (1) and go to (A). And yes I know it should be (2), but (A) kept complaining that it wasn't important enough and I'm too tired to have an argument with the voices in my head about political correctness and the inherent prejudices of our alphanumeric linguistics system, OK?
(1) Go to (A)
(A) "Unable to connect to server".
Needless to say the sticks were promptly returned to their rightful places as I ventured onto the MGO website looking for answers to my riddle. "The beta has been indefinitely suspended as we were not able to cope with the high volumes of traffic that far exceeded our expectations".
How fucking stupid can you get? So let me get this straight: A FREE beta test, giving users an insight into how Metal Gear Solid 4 will look and play, as well as granting the eagerly anticipated multiplayer, was not given a priority of "every fucking server we can get out hands on"? A sneak peak of one of the most eagerly anticipated games the world has ever known? And Konami are no strangers to the online world, many of their other games have a multiplayer component and MGO was given an alpha run out for anyone who bought MGS3: Subsistence on the PS2. So how exactly did they not see this coming? Did they honestly expect this to sneak under the radar? I can see their logic, after all its not like any of the other games in the series were hailed as revolutionary works of art that sold millions upon millions of copies? Right? ....hello?
In closing, these people need to get the simple age old message into their ridiculously short sighted minds that it is better to have too much than too few. If they have 50 servers and only need 30 then they can always shut a bunch down, but not having enough to meet demand is appalling, especially given the warning signs they had when the beta was announced and their registration site suffered the exact same problem.
Still, keep an eye out on the street from now on. If they have red-eye in real life, chances are they're a Konami employee!
Konami's foresight: 2/10
~ Fox
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