As if we had anything important to say

I do sometimes stop and wonder what the point of writing these things is. Am I going to change the world? I somehow doubt it. Will I affect the way people think? Probably not. I can't even think of anything funny to write these days! I did hear a good joke the other day that I thought might work well here but I forgot the punchline. And also the bit leading up to the punchline. So the whole joke, really, and I don't know if you've noticed but humour tends to be slightly less effective when it doesn't consist of words.

Still using a "u" in humour, by the way. I may be putting on a bit in ice cream but I'm not American yet!

Speaking of ice cream, that leads me very nicely into the realm of today's topic, which is of course the fast paced, unrelenting nature of western culture these days. I'm not the first person to point out how traditional values and the serenity of times gone by has been lost, buried under a carpet of fast food, MP4 players, SMART Cars, and "Lady GaGa". In fact, I'm not one of the people who is going to point that out at all. The way I see it, if we're living longer nowadays, and simple things are taking less time to do, we have more time than any generation before us to enjoy ourselves. Or earn some money, or catch up on university work, or sit around eating up just that little bit more of bandwidth on the great information highway.

I've heard people say "Look at all the amazing stuff you take for granted" a million times, and really don't understand where they are coming from. Taking for granted what 50 years ago was in the realm of science fiction is just a testament to human achievement. If our basic living standards are that much higher, imagine how much cooler all the stuff we get excited about is! Holograms, holidays in space, we're well on the way to creating a world we could only previously find in games like Star Ocean, is that not something to be proud of? Never being satisfied drives ambition, which drives us forward.

On the flip side however, and I do apologise for lowering the tone of mindless optimism to something a bit more grounded in reality, this modern trend of instant gratification really gets you frustrated when you use something that is lagging a bit behind. Waiting 2 whole weeks for a parcel from Hong Kong? What are we in, the dark ages!? It annoys me that I let myself get irritated at such petty things, but then I suppose that's what this big white space in the middle of my screen is for - so I can ramble on and remind myself and any of you who have run out of Stephen King/"What Turtle?" to read that things aren't that bad really. 

I've also just realised that stuffing my face with ice cream might be why I'm struggling to get fit for for Karting!

Right, I've fulfilled my time wasting requirements for today, if I encouraged thought from anyone at all, I guess I can count that a success! I'll keep an eye out for anything that might make you laugh and be back quicker then you can say the phrase spelled out in the hidden message I have constructed during this post. Jot down any guesses in the comments of this post, some shiny karma to the person who gets it first!

Keep the fire burning, and embrace your dreams.

- Fox

Sorry I took so long

Right. The world.

More specifically the UK, my home. Cesspool.

Wanna know why? We're a nation of evil bigots, racists, homophobes, and we celebrate ignorance.

More or less every newspaper in the whole fucking country has been babbling on and on about Jade Goody, and it's only through an actual tragedy that she's been shifted. Thank fuck for that. But bashing Jade Goody isn't why I'm typing, we have sickipedia for that.

I'm referring to a pair of people I heard talking on the bus to work. A pair of old women talking about Italy, and how the Earthquake means less of them to come here. Less Italians to come to England.

What sort of fucking idiot right-wing rag have these two been grinding up and snorting? How many Italians are flocking to England in their masses to escape an evil regime and seek a better life/steal our jobs and women? It's pretty unheard of. They have no evil regime, although Berlusconi is a bit of a tit, albeit one with balls. And they're doing better than us for jobs, and one would assume they're doing alright for women, otherwise we'd have heard about their population suddenly dropping.

They continued talking, and I carried on listening.

"Serves them right really, they're all a bunch of queers. It was probably God who did it."

It really gets you down knowing that people like this exist. The only possible solution as far as I can see?

Whenever you see an OAP, scream at them "Your political views are wrong!"

And now, to cheer up this rather serious post, some of Berlusconi's best hits.

• To those left homeless after the earthquake: "Pretend it's a camping holiday"
• To a German politician: "Mr Schulz, I know a movie producer in Italy who is making a movie about Nazi concentration camps. I suggest you play the role of a Kapo You are perfect for the part!"
• In reference to liberal politicians: "The left has no taste, even when it comes to women"
• In reference to Barack Obama: "I hear he has a nice tan" (Apparently, I haven't confirmed this)

-Az

Blue Rinse Rising

All I wanted was to go to town, get my new phone, possibly a coffee, and then to come home.

To quote Top Gear 'How hard can it be?'

I found myself without benefit of coffee, clutching my new phone, following a trio of old women. Not something I find myself doing often I assure you all. These particular women were armed to the teeth with newspapers, Union Jack clothing, and their leader wearing a billboard. "Stop Corruption and the Communist EU agenda."

Don't get me wrong, but surely fear of Communism stopped in the early 90s, replaced by fear of religious fundamentalism? I don't begrudge them their stance against corruption, but the talk of communism intrigued me, as well as their free democratic paper the "UK Column"

Diving instantly for my trusty tape recorder, I began to record the march. A brief interview began to unfold, starting with the marchers asking me to publish whatever they said. Which I'm doing, for the benefit of all you out their waiting for a good laugh.

"That's what we need, we need stuff publishing. We cant get it onto main media because the main media's all biased against, they don't want the truth. They've got thugs on them that's why."

Forgive me for saying so, but within mainstream media, surely all political views are expressed? The Guardian is extreme lefty, The Independent is slightly left, and representing the right we have The Daily Mail and the Express. And as for having thugs on them, this is just untrue. If so, all newspapers would be either massively left wing, or massively right wing. As it stands, we have a nice mixture of both.

"Look up who the media's owned by. Look up who the American Federal Bank is owned by. Look up new world orders, sustainable development."

I have since done so, and found nothing but bizarre conspiracy theories, and articles on ecology. So I've got no idea what sustainable development has to do with the recession and a communist plot, but before I could question I was informed further about the state of the economic crisis.

"Big bankers deliberately caused this money collapse so that that happened (recession) and they will use that as an argument for going into a totalitarian, communist style state. All this that's happening isn't accident. the big bankers have had this planned for a long time and the Bilderbergers (the Bilderberg Group, annual meeting of bankers and those involved in finance) and all the rest of it"

With this information happily tucked away, I started to ask about sources. Naturally nobody was named, but I did learn this:

"From all over, we get information coming from all over. Inside parliament, from politicians. Some politicians don't want to be in the EU but they're overruled by the rest, most of them do."

Considering their aims for a "Democratic Britain," they don't seem to have much grasp of democracy. The majority of politicians, voted for by the public, want to be in the EU, at least according to what I'd just been told. Surely then this is democracy at work, with politicians voting over the future of the country? Just a thought.

"Brian Gerrish who writes the paper. Contact him to learn more."

And I think I will, and shall keep you all posted.

-Az

P.S. I took a copy of the UK Column, and it's possibly a more terrifying read than the Daily Express. And the website is worse. Here are a few of my favourite snippets of insanity.

"Marxist New Labour, Cameron's Fabian socialist Tories and Clegg's 'Rent-Boy' Lib-Dem Party."

"The work of the Brown, Cameron, Clegg cabal is treason"

And finally, an actual page long column

"The Discerning Christian Column - Explaining how Christianity is being Destroyed by the EU Beast." Possibly ignoring the fact that mainland Europe is more religious than Britain, seeing as they have The Vatican and all. The actual column sounds like a call to some holy war against the infidel, but then religious people would never use their beliefs to attack others would they?

Taking the smeg

I don't know if you've heard, but apparantly the country seems to having some sort of financial troubles at the moment! You can tell because everyone on the news is rambling on about it. It's interesting, from my point of view at least, that the economy is apparantly in a recession, and yet absolutely everywhere I look prices are plummeting! Petrol is down about 20p over the last 3 months, ASDA and the other big stores are still undercutting each other at every opportunity, in a seemingly desperate attempt to go bankrupt first.

So it seems from the point of view of the average consumer, the credit crunch is really positive! At least, as long as you don't want to sell a house or a car. Because prices are at an all time low, in just 10,000 miles supercars worth £100,000 are losing 80% of their value. That's £80,000 lost in just one year! On the plus side, if you're buying cars and houses, then its a golden age!

But to get onto the point of this blog, the sport we all know as "football" is really starting to take the piss. Manchester City are said to be offering £100 million to AC Milan to buy this "Kaka" fellow, and in turn are planning to give him half a million quid a week. Half a million a week!! That's almost enough to buy a "hearty" American lunch! And I do worry about the effect this is all having. I mean, I have nothing against sports people such as Wayne Giggs and Phillip Rooney being paid lots of money, they do have a very hard job. In the case of footballers its intensive training every single day, plus 90 minutes of crunch time when you're expected to perform, plus helping run soccer schools, coaching younger players, you have to stick to a strict diet/fitness program... but £500k a week?

Let's put that in context. Kaka, if he comes to Manchester City and earns this wage, will be able to buy FOUR Aston Martin's each week. If he saves up for 14 days he'll be able to buy a Bugatti Veyron. What do you even DO with all that money? Couldn't it be better spent?

So I think the solution to these "taking the piss" sums of money is very simple. Ban footballers from using it. Or maybe not the players, just their clubs. All they ever seem to do is give each other money for players, these guys have their own little economy within the walls of their fancy stadiums. So I reckon instead of wasting proper money, they should all just use Disney money. Or the stuff you play monopoly with. Give Kaka £50 for the shopping and an Aston each week and he'll be happy enough! It'll leave a bit more for the rest of us who have to deal with REAL problems such as....not having very much money!

- Fox

Get them up against the wall

A lot of people are scared. People are scared of a variety of things, be they spiders, rats, the imminent demise of man, the current financial recession, terrorism, or (as the Daily Mail would have you believe) the closely linked immigration.

Personally, I'm terrified by the sorts of people who are terrified by immigration. I had a look at figures of recent general elections. The BNP (British National Party) have gained 0.5% of the vote in the 4 years between 2001 and 2005. This may not sound like much, but this is still over 300,000 people. Over 300,000 people believe that anybody with skin darker than Snow White's must leave the country, or get shot.


Sadly, I've now got the BNP website in my browser history. On the plus side, this is hilarious.

"The British National Party believes in telling the truth, even if it is sometimes uncomfortable to hear or offensive to those who would rather bury their heads in the sand than face real problems in our society."

One would assume the truth doesn't include holocaust denial. Nick Griffin (Founder of the modern BMP) has actually gone on record, stating

"'I am well aware that orthodox opinion is that 6m Jews were gassed and cremated or turned into soup and lampshades... I have reached the conclusion that the "extermination" tale is a mixture of Allied wartime propaganda, extremely profitable lie, and latter witch-hysteria." (You can read this in his publication The Rune or here.

I'm also highly amused by the comment about the "Real problems in our society" which would appear not to include racism or bigotry.

If these bastards ever come to power, Britain is FUCKED. Fucked like a bitch on the Jeremy Kyle show. As well as various racist policies, they also follow a homophobic agenda. So, should these fascist shits ever make it, we lose Stephen Fry. And Alan Carr, but that's not much of a loss.

So, with the general election approaching us next year, vote for absolutely anybody. Anybody at all. Unless you want to vote BNP. In which case, don't vote at all, and have yourself committed for extensive neurological experiments.

-Az

Larger Leaps for Mankind

Space. The Final Frontier. And we're about to cross it.

Most of us here on Earth look at Space as an unreachable thing. It is the sacred ground were only the bravest of men and the most advanced and expensive technologies in the world dare to tread. Space was first touched by Man's gloved hand only a generation ago, and as such it in over 50 years of exploration, only around 400 people have ventured there. We've all grown up with this image of space. And so we don't give much thought to the idea that... we could actually go. And this isn't some crazy pipe dream, this is reality. It's happening today - the next visitors to this vast Frontier will be you and I.

You may well have heard of Richard Branson and his "Virgin Galactic" business. Their prototype, SpaceShipOne, successfully completed it's sub-orbital tests and they have all but completed development on their first passenger model: SpaceShipTwo. Test flights of this model have already begun, and the first passengers are scheduled to fly as soon as late 2009. Ticket price? $200,000.

"But this isn't exactly within the reach of normal people," you may well say. And you would be right. But consider this - Space Tourists already exist. They apply to NASA or the ESA and pay millions of dollars for the privilege of tagging along on a mission. $200,000 for a flight is alot more within reach, if only for the still-extremely-rich types that light their cigars with $100 bills. Fortunately, this ultra-high price tag is soon being replaced by a half price version, once the second "SpaceShipTwo" craft comes into service a few months after the first. In fact, by the end of 2010 (that's just TWO YEARS people), a ticket is planned to cost only $20,000.

Still alot of money? Yeah. But do-able for your average Joe! What if, in 5 years time, you are about to buy a Ford Focus X12 (or whatever model it is then) for £12,000. What if instead of getting that, you buy a used car for £1,000? You can then afford a trip into space. And with competition coming in (one would assume, eventually) against Virgin Galactic, and with technological improvements, those prices are only going one way.

If you don't already have "Go into Space" on your list of things to do before you are thirty, now might be a good time to add it. Because it's a very real possibility that you can achieve it.

Keep the Fire Burning.

- Fox

Chill, homies!

There was a rapper out in Bolton town centre today. Next to the old Nationwide building. He had a mate there with a deck and layin' down a beat and all that shizzle. Going on about Jesus and stuff. Gah. So I sort of shook my head a little and rolled my eyes, thinking of the irony of using the words "Jesus" and "bitches" in the same verse, and the association of one of the most popular prophets ever to live with a genre of music more commonly associated with murderers and drug dealers.

And then I noticed some people were looking at me. Or rather, looking down their noses at me. At first I thought it was some heavily religious folks, until I saw one of them was wearing one of those Satan t-shirts Azzy might like. So what else could my gesture have done to offend them?

Oh fuck.

The Rapper is Black.

And this highlights one of the fundamental flaws in this society we call home. This attitude of political correctness and so-called "tolerance" has been taken too far, as any good idea seems to. We've gone as a society from treating minorities like filth to treating them like children, an the same people have the gall to accuse ME of racism! When will people learn that "Equality" means laughing at a nigger spouting gibberish as you would any cracker?

I bet that last sentence touched a nerve didn't it? Well, unless your Az or hang around me alot anyway. But why? I used common derogatory language towards both blacks AND whites there. All these words are are labels that people are too touchy about. Why can't a white guy say "nigger" without it being offensive? Why is it "their word". People getting so touchy about racism just makes people feel like they have to watch what they say around people of a minority ethnicity, and its THIS which fuels the fire of racism strong.

It's having to worry about keeping your tongue in check that keeps these divisions up. So if you care about getting rid of racism, stop watching your tongue. Sometimes you'll say racist things by mistake, but if people stopped scrutinising everything for any hint of offence, they would find it easier to brush it off. And in turn, it would become easier to stop saying offensive things in the first place.

And for fucks sake, stop accusing people or racism when they criticise a person of another ethnicity. They're not children, they can take care of themselves.

And get rid of Sharia courts, the same OTT attitude has let them in and they're a disgrace to this country. This is Britain, not Saudi Arabia. Deal with it.

~ Fox