35 Things a Girl Probably Doesn't Know

This list has been floating about a while in various forms. I got it from a facebook group which was almost certainly created by a pair of tits.

1. Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

I thought we were over the 'Guys aren't emotional' thing? Consider the sheer amount of poets, writers and artists who happen to have a cock. I'd say that's pretty fair evidence that guys are emotional.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

This is a lie. Guys when they go to sleep tend to be wondering whether getting up to get food is worth braving the cold. Usually it is.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

GUY GO CRAZY OVER GIRL'S BOOBS. UG.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

Guys are lazy and probably haven't noticed you're there. Unless you're bring beer. (Depressed yet?)

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

Any guy who uses that method is rubbish at thinking up names. I'd call it the 'Devious Bastard' method.

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

Man own woman. Woman talk only to man. Man smash other man for looking. Because obviously we're all neanderthals and our method of pulling is to savagely beat a girl about the head with a stout stick and drag them by their hair back to our caves for a night of pounding away like we've been without a shag since '03.

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
Because if we're not told we're loved, we cry like Oeghan Quigg after one of his rivals got booted out of X-Factor. Or not. maybe we just feel confident.

8. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

Didn't this come up earlier as the first point on this list? Slightly different wording, but the same thing. Guys are emotional, nobody denies this. Stop being a pillock.

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

Ok this is actually true. But guys do this as well, and thus the point has no place on this list.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

Aside from bullets, knives, axes, blunt instruments, maces, spears, poison, nuclear fallout, drowning, electrocution, swift kicks to the nads... The list goes on. And what about gay guys? Are they weak against women too? Are women some gender based version of Kryptonite?

11. Guys are very open about themselves.

I thought we didn't want people to know we're emotional? Consistency in the list would be lovely if you feel like trying it at any point.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

This surely depends on the problem. If a man tells you about the broken glass in his arm, the advice you should give goes along the lines of 'Go to the hospital.'

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

He might actually be trying to offend you. Don't be so vain and assume that he's calling you 'the white whale' and waving a harpoon around because he wants to marry you.

14. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

Can't love be equal? Does one partner have to love the other more? Oh wait of course not, because that would make sense.

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful.If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

I know many guys who frequently use the word beautiful to describe many things. If I see a dog and call it beautiful, does that automatically mean I want to take it home to meet my parents and get their approval?

16. No matter how much some guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

I love the use of 'some' in this point. Possibly whoever wrote this list has started coming to the conclusion that all people are different, and as such any list becomes pointless.

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

I was going to put a joke in here, but my girlfriend told me not to.

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

Lies. Most guys don't think at all. And if we do, it's about something pointless. Like owls.

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

Doesn't this depend on level of stupidity? If I stub my toe while with my girlfriend I don't tend to think about it very much beyond shouting ' Fuck' at the top of my lungs.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

Whereas if he's spazzing, he's probably faking it and is calm and relaxed inside.

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

'I'm going crazy about the girl! My trousers are jam and the yellow squirrel vomits in my shoes!'

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

If he asks for a cuddle it means ' I don't want you within 18 miles of me' and the phrase: 'would you like to go watch a film?' is code for 'The enemy within approaches. Destroy the evidence and meet me in Havana. I will be in The Hotel Chupacabra under the name Miguel Sanchez.'

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

Guys can be serious about unimportant things. In fact, that happens more often. We can very seriously talk about what flavour crisps are superior. (Flame Grilled Steak wins out, scientific fact.)

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

I'll agree with this one. But again, guys do this. Get out of the list.

25.When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

'I wonder if I could put my penis in that?'

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

Usually women. If this list is to be believed.

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

Makes us sound like a meerkat. 'And so we see the male Homo sapien, who is easily intimidated and so we have to keep very quiet.'

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

This is a lie. Girls always talk about guys. My girlfriend does, she's always bragging about my unmatched sexual prowess.

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

'I see one of those creatures who have different toilets to me...I must go to her and sit
outside her window with a camera...'

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

I'm pretty attached to my right nut. And my left one actually, now that I think about it. So I don't think so. Unless she knew the combination to the safe.

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

Again, this depends on the problem. If my problem is my untied shoelace, I can generally fix that by myself.

32. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

Yes it does. We are one. We are Borg.

33. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.

Even if they refuse it. What does that even mean? I guess this means if there's no reaction when you tickle a guys ribs, he's just lying.

34. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

That's a pretty safe thing to say. He really likes you or his neck really hurts. Or he might just be enjoying it. You can't read anything from somebody just sat there enjoying neck rub.

35. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

Does any guy do that? Sacrificing their health I mean. 'Look, I ripped off my own arm! Spend time with me!' And if a guy is sacrificing his sleep, it normally means he's getting laid. So don't read anything into a guy staying awake.

Right, you lot should be sufficiently depressed now.

-Az

Wikipedia

I love Wikipedia trolls. That is all. Click the pic to see large image. And to be able to read.

-Az

Must Be Christmas

Daily Mail's filled with laughter,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Gays and Muslims result in cancer,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Anyway. Christmas is indeed upon us, you can tell because you freeze your bollocks/tits (delete according to gender or physical fitness) every time you go outside, and also because slowly but surely you hear more stories of outrage. Here is what I feel is the most common one.


'This should be a Christian country! We've always been Christian and should be able to celebrate Christmas without having to worry about offending the ragheads!"

Nobody is stopping you from celebrating Christmas! Every year shops go all out with massive Christmas celebrations, almost all places of work have Christmas parties, Everywhere you go will have at least one Christmas tree, and on Christmas Day nothing will be open. Does this sound like you're not being allowed to celebrate? No. No it does not so slink back to your copy of the Daily Express and STOP FUCKING WHINGING.

Christmas, no matter what we may think of it, is always going to be here in some form or another. So as a gesture of goodwill and kindness, every time somebody moans about how Christmas is being shunned by the PC Lib' ruls, beat them in the face with the sharpened edge of a spade and anally penetrate them with a fucking tree.

-Az

P.S. Yes. I don't think anybody knows how happy this makes me.

P.P.S. What would the Daily Mail think about a frequently published hate filled bundle of paper trying to terrify our population? Surely such a thing is a disruption to our way of life? I see the headline now: 'DAILY MAIL LINKED TO DROP IN HOUSE PRICES'

A strange, lonely and troubling column

The news of Jan Moir's column was deeply shocking. It was not just that another young columnist had written pointlessly.

Through the recent travails and sad tales of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Littlejohn and many others, fans know to expect the unexpected of their heroes - particularly if those idols live a life that is shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice.

There are dozens of household names out there with secret and not-so-secret troubles, or damaging habits both past and present.

Clarkson, Brooker, Mitchell, Webb; we all know who they are. And we are not being ghoulish to anticipate, or to be mentally braced for, their bad writing: a long night, a mysterious page of words, an odd set of circumstances that herald a sudden failure.

In the morning, the ink has already dried before the first concerned hand reaches out to touch an icy celebrity shoulder. It is not exactly a new storyline, is it?

In fact, it is rather depressingly familiar. But somehow we never expected it of her. Never her. Not Jan Moir.

In the cheerful environs of The Daily Mail, Moir was always charming, cute, polite and funny.

A feature member of The Daily Mail's online reporting, she was the group's columnist, even though she could barely write a shopping list in Microsoft Word.

She was the Posh Spice of The Daily Mail, a popular but largely rancorous addition.

Moir came out as Homophobic in 2009 after discovering that someone was planning to sell a story revealing her sexuality to a newspaper.

Although she was effectively smoked out of the closet, she has been hailed as a champion of gay bashing, albeit a reluctant one.

At the time, Moir worried that the revelations might end her ultra-mainstream career as a decent human being, but she received an overwhelmingly positive response from fans. In fact, it only made them love her more.

In 2008, Moir entered into a civil union with the Online section of The Daily Mail, which had been introduced to her by mutual friends A.Hitler and N.Griffin.

Last week, the couple were enjoying a holiday together in their apartment in Knightsbridge before their world was capsized.

All the official reports point to a natural article, with no suspicious circumstances. The Moir family are - perhaps understandably - keen to register their girl's writing on the national consciousness as nothing more than a tragic accident.

Even before the post-mortem and toxicology reports were released by the Spanish authorities, the Moir's lawyer reiterated that they believed her sudden rant was due to natural causes.

But, hang on a minute. Something is terribly wrong with the way this incident has been shaped and spun into nothing more than an unfortunate mishap on a holiday weekend, like a broken teacup in the rented cottage.

Consider the way it has been largely reported, as if Moir had gently drawn a doodle at the age of 90 in the grounds of the Bide-a-Wee rest home while hoeing the sweet pea patch.

The sugar coating on this fatality is so saccharine-thick that it obscures whatever bitter truth lies beneath. Healthy and fit 53-year-old women do not just climb into their pyjamas and go COMPLETLEY BATSHIT MENTAL and never recover.

Whatever the cause of her insanity is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Jan Moir is not sane.

And I think if we are going to be honest, we would have to admit that the circumstances surrounding her writing are more than a little sleazy.

After a night of clubbing (gays), Moir and her writing pad took a young pencil back to her apartment. It is not disrespectful to assume that a game of canasta with Mr 2B was not what was on the cards.

Mr 2b and the notepad went to the bedroom together while Moir remained alone in the living room.

What happened before they parted is known only to the Moir. What happened afterwards is anyone's guess.

A post-mortem revealed Moir to be a straightjacket job.

Moir's family have always maintained that drugs were not involved in the writer's column, but it has just been revealed that they are the only way to cope with it.

Nevertheless, her mother is still insisting that her daughter writes due to a previously undetected mental condition that has plagued the family.

Another real sadness about Moir's article is that it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of newspaper columns.

Columists are always calling for tolerance and understanding about opinion writers, arguing that they are just the same as real journalists. Not everyone, they say, is like Polly Filla.

Of course, in many cases this may be true. Yet the recent writings of The Telegraph, the former employer of Moir, and now the dubious events of her last column raise troubling questions about what happened.

It is important that the truth comes out about the exact circumstances of her strange and lonely column.

As a writers rights champion, I am sure she would want to set an example to any impressionable young women who may want to emulate what they might see as her glamorous routine.

For once again, under the carapace of glittering, hedonistic celebrity, the ooze of a very different and more dangerous lifestyle has seeped out for all to see.

-Az

Top Ten 09/7/09

1. Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor (New)
2. Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror Coffin (New)
3. La Roux - Bulletproof (New)
4. David Guetta - When Love Takes Over
5. Lady Gaga - Paparazzi
6. Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
7. Agnes - Release Me
8. Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
8. Pixie Lott - Mama Do
10. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (New)

Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor

There are a variety of words to describe this song. Boring is a good one, generic is another. There are so many electronic sounding things in the world at the moment that it's a miracle this got to number one. Generic. Generic voice, generic melody, generic rhythm, generic beat, generic vocal effects, generic lyrics. There's a pointless rap midway through too. So ticking all the political correctness ethnic boxes. Whiteboy electronica, token black rapper. Black and white, like chess, the Ace of Spades, and Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror Coffin

It seems fitting that the video opens with footage of children. NO. BAD. TRY AGAIN.

A heartfelt plea for people all round the world to help those less fortunate, slow instrumentation, a simplistic approach to the meaningful lyrics all spliced in with Jackson's unique voice, layered over a video of various atrocities. And goes a bit gospel halfway. Sounds fine. If it wasn't full of hypocrisy. Every famous musician has enough money to buy Belgium, and I think that together they could end world poverty. But instead, despite what they give to charity, they keep bucketloads for themselves so they can build amusement parks to go with their mansions, the eventual aim being to lure the young children into bed with them. Obviously this is an exageration, nobody in real life would...oh wait.

La Roux - Bulletproof

I actually liked the previous La Roux release, In For The Kill. Which adds to the shame, because this particular attempt falls a bit flat. The argument against 80s synth pop revival gains more credability once you hear this song, especially considering 2 minutes 30 seconds into the damn thing we hear the sound of what can only be described as "Space Bagpipes," the sort of thing George Lucas would have shoehorned into the Star Wars prequels if he'd thought of it first. Oh, and the singer, Elly Jackson, looks like a 12 year old boy. I guess Michael Jackson would have been a fan.

Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

In all honesty I'm suprised only two Jackson songs got into the Top Ten. But anyway, onto Billie Jean. Recorded back when Jackson was still black, this is one of his biggest and most recognisable songs. But somewhat unspectacular. Apart from his voice, barely anything in the bloody song stands out. Some attempts at instrumental excitement are attempted, with occasional bluesy guitar fills, but also the most singularly disappointing guitar solo IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. And the lyric "The kid is not my son." This is all that stands out. And that's only because everybody in the world has heard this song a million fucking times, because everybody believes that Jackson was the best performer ever. Excuse me cuntrags, but before Jackson died weren't you all saying that about Freddie Mercury? Who, incidentally, was also a highly overrated individual.

-Az

P.S. All go out and buy Florence and the Machines single - Rabbit Heart. If you do maybe it'll get into the Top Ten and I'll be able to review a song that I actually like.

Top Ten 26/6/09

1: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
2: Pixie Lott - Mama Do
3: Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow (Not "Gotta get that" as previously chronicled)
4: Agnes - Release Me
5: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
6: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers
7: Daniel Merriweather - Red
8: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi (New)
9: Take That - Said It All (New)
10: The Veronicas - Untouched


Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

Before I get onto the actual song, may I say that the video is ridiculously long. I mean really. I sat there for 3 minutes and 4 seconds before the fucking thing started. That's 3 minutes and 4 seconds I won't get back. And during this time we learn that Lady Gaga has insane pyjamas. Who wears gloves to bed? And later on, when the song is underway, she's dressed like a Valkyrie but with crutches. WHAT THE ARSE.

Moving on, the song is standard Lady DoDo fare, electronic drums, boring bass line, yada yada. Lyrics tend towards standard stuff as well, although this time Lady YoYo appears to be stalking a famous performer. HOWEVER. This song may be more intelligent than I give it credit for. The video depicts Lady WahWah as the famous one. So we must ask the question: Can somebody with multiple personality disorder stalk themselves? THANK YOU LADY CHACHA, YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.



Take That - Said It All

The Scrubs slow-scene factor of this song is through the roof. The strings, the piano, the meaningless lyrics, they're there in spades. The emotion of this song is quite high. Assuming you count hilarity as an emotion. You honestly can't believe songs like this when it is common knowledge that Take That reformed only to boost their sales and make money. Also, the emotional value of the piece, a sad farewell to a lover, is decreased even further when you learn that five people wrote the song. Did they all have the same experience? Are Take That actually Borg? Borg with knowledge of mainstream opera? The clown theme of the video is surely a reference to Pagliacci! HOW DEEP. They probably saw it on The Simpsons.

-Az

P.S. An entire post with no reference to Michael Jackson!

Some Say He's Michael Schumacher

The tearing down of the Berlin Wall. The signing of the Declaration of Independence. South Park making fun of Tom Cruise. In all my days I never thought these historic events and others like them could ever be equalled in terms of their cultural magnitude. But I was wrong, as The Stig finally lifted his helmet and answered the sole question that had troubled philosophers beyond the beginning of Top Gear itself. As Descartes famously once said:

"I think, Therefore I am The Stig".

So, after 5 years of speculation, we all finally know. ....or do we?

No, is the answer most people will agree on, which is exactly what the devious bastards at the BBC will have been aiming for! The beauty of revealing the identity of one of modern TVs most recognizable icons is that no one was ever going to believe it, true or not! The speculation has gone from "Who could The Stig be?" to... well, the same question really! Especially after Schumacher talked about having to do a few practice laps in the car he had to drive in order to learn the track. One would think the man who had done nothing but drive cars around that track for years would know more or less where the corners were.

Interestingly, with the "reveal" of Schumacher as The Stig, and the effectiveness of keeping his identity secret for so long, I think the BBC have accidentally created something truly amazing. I no longer think it is even possible to know the identity of this mysterious tame racing driver. Some say...he is Ben Collins. Some say... he is more than one man. Some say it really is Schumacher. The point is, even if Ben Collins or someone were to admit it, a large amount of people would have their doubts, and how could you PROVE that you are the Stig? Removing the helmet on TV obviously doesn't get the job done, and the outfit is available to all who can afford it. We don't exactly have dental records to go on!

Maybe one day we'll all start to believe that he really is a feral racer, tamed by the BBC and put in a zoo of horsepower and noise for all to stare at. Some say it would be kinder to let him run free in the wild. But...what would he drive there?

- Fox