Thursday, 6 May 2010

Hit to road Jack.

I'm off. Fox has this blog to himself now.


-Az

Saturday, 24 April 2010

No Escape

I know about fear. I watch Doctor Who. I know that someone, someday, is going to dress up like a stone angel and pose outside my bedroom door. I've aquaplaned on the road in the general direction of a "big motherfucking tree", I've been mugged, and I still have nightmares about that time one of my friends attempted to lobotomise me with a golf ball.

Attempting to put yourself at ease in the midst of these fears is Sisyphean to the extreme, and yet every single one pales in comparison to the point of this post, and the same could be said of almost any other fear you could name. Or even not name, depending on how many syllables derive from the Icelandic native tongue. Any person with even the merest semblance of social awkwardness will know well of that which I speak: high street charity workers.

We all know how it goes. You come out of HMV bearing proudly, if a little cautiously, this is still Bolton after all, a suitably environmentally unfriendly bag proclaiming your custom. This synthetic container will most likely hold a DVD, game, book or other some such product. And who do you see loitering a short way up the road, exactly where you need to walk? Someone who, whilst not even looking in your direction, is inevitably waiting for you. The red v-neck with 'Shelter' written on the back stands out as plainly as the extra pair of legs under Tiger Wood's duvet, and there is no doubt in your mind that the wearer of the garment will let everyone else go about their day. But you... you are going to have to sign away some of your hard-earned student loan.

The fear has already struck. How will you avoid them? What will you say if they try and stop you? What level of polite Britishness should you be going for? You want to avoid the guilt, but you already feel the guilt. They already have you in their vice-like Death Grip of misery. As soon as you saw that damn t-shirt, you knew you weren't going to sign up for anything. Let's face it, however reasonable they may be, and however generous and charitable you feel, paying someone for making you feel guilty is just going to make them think it's a good idea. And which of these folk are genuinely trying to help someone? Some of them are just trying to swindle you into buying their books on Krshna. God damn persuasive Buddhist guy...

You're damn right I'm still bitter about that!!

~ Fox

Friday, 9 April 2010

Goodbye Mr Brown

There's a convenient lie used by a certain type of parent.

When the beloved family pet is reaching the end of it's life, it gets sent to The Farm. The Farm is a place in the country, where the dog will live and have a big field to run around in, and other dogs to play with.

This farm is the ideal destination for the Labour Party, some place in the sticks where they can play at being leaders all they want, imagining themselves to be the fist of the workers that they were when they began.

In the real world, they've been consigned to the oily clutches of a £30k a year vet armed with a needle and the sure opinion that this is the kindest option.

But all things come in circles, the family will get a new dog, the country will get another government to feed, take for walks, and, most importantly, new shit to scoop up. This happened with the Conservative party in 1997, and now, 13 years later, it's time for a new pet.

In a strange twist to what we'd expect, the Conservative party have nowhere near the lead we'd expect in this situation. In the race for British power, the three major competitors have tripped, fallen, and are nursing grazed shins at the starting line.

And so there is nothing. A rare moment in UK politics, a genuine mystery.

Voting labour on May 6th is like trying to fistfight a bull, you can try but you won't win, they won't come back after the myriad problems during their staggering run at government. The Conservatives, currently the most popular party by a surprisingly small margin, are floating in the stagnant waters of impersonality, David Cameron having all the charisma of a house brick. The Lib-Dems, as much as they mean well, flounder away by being neither good nor bad, and are ignored in the great Derby that is an election.

And now the fear kicks in: Who might we get instead? The BNP are unlikely to get in, but it's a high possibility for them to gain far more seats in the House of Commons, which could lead to them coming to power. And from there, it's the end for the left-wing, prisons will rise up like concrete hardons, and to speak out against the leadership is to accept life in a jail. Nobody will be able to fight democratically against the party, not with any who would vote against them locked away or deported.

In the long run, this is what we should fear. Voting Day approaches, cast your vote with care.

-Az


Sunday, 17 January 2010

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

This year’s Tivoli Pantomime has, for some bizarre and inexplicable reason, sold brilliantly. The production of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarves’ by Ron Martin Management has been hailed as brilliant by many reviewers.

I have a distinct feeling that these reviewers saw a different show than the one I saw on 21st December. Either that or they had Ron Martin himself injecting Lysergic Acid Diethylamide and peyote right into their eyeballs.

From the very start, with an announcement from Ron loaded with ‘umms’ and ‘ ahhs’, the show was an abysmal failure. I know that this is a pantomime, and as such the quality is never going to be great, but when every character is totally unlikeable it’s difficult to have fun. Richie Austin, performing as Muddles, the stereotypical annoying character designed to entertain the adults dragged along to the farce, almost manages to make the show acceptable for human viewing, but alas he fails.

One mental scene, which was the final bullet to the face of theatre, involved a UV cannon, a black stage, and Snow White being seriously menaced by...something. All I saw was a dark stage with mental patients in blue lycra dancing with blankets. A quick question to one of the technical staff revealed this to be Snow White alone in the woods, being menaced by bluebirds and covered in leaves.

There are two problems with this. The first, is the nagging feeling that bluebirds are less menacing than a chocolate ├ęclair, and the second, when you have to ask a member of the technical staff what is happening, it’s a sure bet that the kids don’t understand what’s going on, and therefore will return to eating the programme.

Finally, many of the musical choices (for that, read ALL of the music choices) are dubious at best. Particularly painful are the songs ‘Truly Scrumptious’ delivered by an ear shattering bad children’s choir, and a scene where, for no reason whatsoever, bunnies are dancing in the woods. The whole thing makes as much sense as putting earwax on a trifle because you’ve run out of custard.

An absolute travesty from start to finish, and I honestly vow that if I ever see anything this bad ever again I will have no choice but to unload a full AK-47 clip into the audience in order to spare them the pain.

-Az

Friday, 18 December 2009

35 Things a Girl Probably Doesn't Know

This list has been floating about a while in various forms. I got it from a facebook group which was almost certainly created by a pair of tits.

1. Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

I thought we were over the 'Guys aren't emotional' thing? Consider the sheer amount of poets, writers and artists who happen to have a cock. I'd say that's pretty fair evidence that guys are emotional.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

This is a lie. Guys when they go to sleep tend to be wondering whether getting up to get food is worth braving the cold. Usually it is.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

GUY GO CRAZY OVER GIRL'S BOOBS. UG.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

Guys are lazy and probably haven't noticed you're there. Unless you're bring beer. (Depressed yet?)

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

Any guy who uses that method is rubbish at thinking up names. I'd call it the 'Devious Bastard' method.

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

Man own woman. Woman talk only to man. Man smash other man for looking. Because obviously we're all neanderthals and our method of pulling is to savagely beat a girl about the head with a stout stick and drag them by their hair back to our caves for a night of pounding away like we've been without a shag since '03.

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
Because if we're not told we're loved, we cry like Oeghan Quigg after one of his rivals got booted out of X-Factor. Or not. maybe we just feel confident.

8. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

Didn't this come up earlier as the first point on this list? Slightly different wording, but the same thing. Guys are emotional, nobody denies this. Stop being a pillock.

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

Ok this is actually true. But guys do this as well, and thus the point has no place on this list.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

Aside from bullets, knives, axes, blunt instruments, maces, spears, poison, nuclear fallout, drowning, electrocution, swift kicks to the nads... The list goes on. And what about gay guys? Are they weak against women too? Are women some gender based version of Kryptonite?

11. Guys are very open about themselves.

I thought we didn't want people to know we're emotional? Consistency in the list would be lovely if you feel like trying it at any point.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

This surely depends on the problem. If a man tells you about the broken glass in his arm, the advice you should give goes along the lines of 'Go to the hospital.'

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

He might actually be trying to offend you. Don't be so vain and assume that he's calling you 'the white whale' and waving a harpoon around because he wants to marry you.

14. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

Can't love be equal? Does one partner have to love the other more? Oh wait of course not, because that would make sense.

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful.If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

I know many guys who frequently use the word beautiful to describe many things. If I see a dog and call it beautiful, does that automatically mean I want to take it home to meet my parents and get their approval?

16. No matter how much some guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

I love the use of 'some' in this point. Possibly whoever wrote this list has started coming to the conclusion that all people are different, and as such any list becomes pointless.

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

I was going to put a joke in here, but my girlfriend told me not to.

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

Lies. Most guys don't think at all. And if we do, it's about something pointless. Like owls.

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

Doesn't this depend on level of stupidity? If I stub my toe while with my girlfriend I don't tend to think about it very much beyond shouting ' Fuck' at the top of my lungs.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

Whereas if he's spazzing, he's probably faking it and is calm and relaxed inside.

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

'I'm going crazy about the girl! My trousers are jam and the yellow squirrel vomits in my shoes!'

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

If he asks for a cuddle it means ' I don't want you within 18 miles of me' and the phrase: 'would you like to go watch a film?' is code for 'The enemy within approaches. Destroy the evidence and meet me in Havana. I will be in The Hotel Chupacabra under the name Miguel Sanchez.'

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

Guys can be serious about unimportant things. In fact, that happens more often. We can very seriously talk about what flavour crisps are superior. (Flame Grilled Steak wins out, scientific fact.)

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

I'll agree with this one. But again, guys do this. Get out of the list.

25.When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

'I wonder if I could put my penis in that?'

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

Usually women. If this list is to be believed.

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

Makes us sound like a meerkat. 'And so we see the male Homo sapien, who is easily intimidated and so we have to keep very quiet.'

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

This is a lie. Girls always talk about guys. My girlfriend does, she's always bragging about my unmatched sexual prowess.

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

'I see one of those creatures who have different toilets to me...I must go to her and sit
outside her window with a camera...'

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

I'm pretty attached to my right nut. And my left one actually, now that I think about it. So I don't think so. Unless she knew the combination to the safe.

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

Again, this depends on the problem. If my problem is my untied shoelace, I can generally fix that by myself.

32. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

Yes it does. We are one. We are Borg.

33. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.

Even if they refuse it. What does that even mean? I guess this means if there's no reaction when you tickle a guys ribs, he's just lying.

34. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

That's a pretty safe thing to say. He really likes you or his neck really hurts. Or he might just be enjoying it. You can't read anything from somebody just sat there enjoying neck rub.

35. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

Does any guy do that? Sacrificing their health I mean. 'Look, I ripped off my own arm! Spend time with me!' And if a guy is sacrificing his sleep, it normally means he's getting laid. So don't read anything into a guy staying awake.

Right, you lot should be sufficiently depressed now.

-Az

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Wikipedia


I love Wikipedia trolls. That is all. Click the pic to see large image. And to be able to read.

-Az

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Must Be Christmas

Daily Mail's filled with laughter,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Gays and Muslims result in cancer,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.


Anyway. Christmas is indeed upon us, you can tell because you freeze your bollocks/tits (delete according to gender or physical fitness) every time you go outside, and also because slowly but surely you hear more stories of outrage. Here is what I feel is the most common one.


'This should be a Christian country! We've always been Christian and should be able to celebrate Christmas without having to worry about offending the ragheads!"

Nobody is stopping you from celebrating Christmas! Every year shops go all out with massive Christmas celebrations, almost all places of work have Christmas parties, Everywhere you go will have at least one Christmas tree, and on Christmas Day nothing will be open. Does this sound like you're not being allowed to celebrate? No. No it does not so slink back to your copy of the Daily Express and STOP FUCKING WHINGING.

Christmas, no matter what we may think of it, is always going to be here in some form or another. So as a gesture of goodwill and kindness, every time somebody moans about how Christmas is being shunned by the PC Lib' ruls, beat them in the face with the sharpened edge of a spade and anally penetrate them with a fucking tree.

-Az

P.S. Yes. I don't think anybody knows how happy this makes me.

P.P.S. What would the Daily Mail think about a frequently published hate filled bundle of paper trying to terrify our population? Surely such a thing is a disruption to our way of life? I see the headline now: 'DAILY MAIL LINKED TO DROP IN HOUSE PRICES'