Fanboy Baiting

Looking back at the comments received for my Mario Kart review, as well as some actual human conversation regarding my opinion as wrong, I've decided to pay attention to these alternative opinions, and throw them in the bin along with my respect for mankind and also any journalistic integrity I may have had. So get fucked, I'm right, Mario Kart Wii is a fucking terrible game.

Just to alienate any readers out there trying desparately to see some form of irony in the preceeding words, here is everything wrong with Nintendo ever.

1. Mario. Nintendos trademark fat Italian plumber. As much respect as I have for the Italians, and also those of the drainage and irrigation profession, Mario as a character is an annoying fuckweed. It strikes me as odd that in the games wherein there is a choice, Luigi (almost as worthless) is generally the better character, proving faster and able to jump higher in the 2D games, and some of the 3D ones. Paper Mario is an exception, merely because this is a FUN mario game, something which has only existed twice before in history, in the form of "Super Mario Land" and "Super Mario Land2: 6 Golden Coins".
2. Princess Peach. Whilst she generally exists as a plot device, anything which results in so much nauseating erotica on deviantART is a bad thing, much deserved of horrible torture involving cheese graters and erogenous zones.
3. Bowser. Ok, I should logically have nothing against Bowser. He dislikes Mario, and this wins him points in my book. However, he probably commissions most of the Peach Erotica, and this takes him in the direction of the soup course at a nearby seafood Restaurant. Judging by the regular enemies of Mario games, he's also a useless commander of armed forces. Which makes me wonder how he's still in command.
4. Mario Kart. It's just fucking worthless, especially the Wii edition.
5. Mario Tennis. Similarly worthless.
6. Mar...actually, any Mario spin-off except Paper Mario. Whilst some of the 2D Marios were fun, they didn't warrant the vast amount of shit that they spawned.
7. Toad/Goombas/any form of pop culture regarding these two. As much as I do accept geek culture as a good thing, these two characters are just annoying. Toad is a high voiced useless prick, and Goombas are, thankfully voiceless, armless pricks. If you want a T-Shirt with a classic video game character, at least pick a good character, like Zool.
8. Zelda, Legend of. My mum plays Zelda. My mum also reads the social work pages of The Guardian. 'nuff said.
9. Absolute refusal to try inventing a new character, or game type. Just refer to any Zero Punctuation video regarding Nintendo, the man is absolutely right. If you don't know what Zero Punctuation is, how the sordid, Norweigan FUCK did you end up reading blogs?
10. The occasionally useless controls. Picture the scene. Resident Evil 4. In a swamp, surrounded by zombies. You flick the controller to reload the weapon. Instead, Leon, the brainless Westlife reject that he is, contents himself to rotate on the spot anti-clockwise. This happens alarmingly regularly.
11. Needing to pay to download the internet browser for the Wii. That can fuck right off.
12. Finally, their rabid, drooling fanbase, who refuse to accept anything wrong with their chosen deity. In this way, Nintendo fanboys are like Middle-American Fundamentalist Christians. But not as fat.

-Az

Journeys End

At the risk of sounding a complete copycat twat (Oh look, a rhyme) I'm about to review the final episode of the most recent series of Doctor Who (Y'know, the one with Davros.) So if ya aint seen it, and wish to avoid spoilers, I direct you to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_Search_of_Lost_Time

So. A mildly logical reason for David Tennant not being replaced. Such a scenario could've worked, but alas Mr Tennant shall be the last doctor, as his regeneration would result in the mass suicide of a million fangirls. And as his hand is still floating around, this is something the future writers must deal with.

The good fellow who's review I took inspiration from (a link to his blog can be found to the right somewhere) stated that the clone Doctor was so Rose could have a happy ending. To me it seems that the writers had a more sinister motive. In fact, the concept of two Doctors, or at least two David Tennants, is destined to flood deviantARTs fan-fictions from now until the day I happily embrace a cactus and proclaim it the greatest lover I've ever had, and I don't care if it doesn't call, at least I've been happy enough to feel its spiney warmth for one night of drunken action.

So, enough Tennant obsessives offended then. Davros was awesome, even though by all rights he's died more times than Ricky Gervais when he needs to be unscripted, and probably shouldn't have been in the episode. However, the madness of Dalek Caan was fucking awesome, and he remains the best Dalek ever.

And so, we move swiftly onto the overdose of companions. Jack Harkness is always a good thing, even though as the episode was airing deviantART traffic was freaking out and all the submissions became remarkably homoerotic (possibly overdoing the joke, but you gotta admit, I do have a point.) Rose returned for some stupid fucking reason, something which was as inevitable as the tides, and as welcome as Josef Mengale. But she's gone forever now now, which is joyous. Sarah Jane Smith is good, so she escapes with the minimum of bile, although the kid from her spin-off series is an annoying little shit. It was good to see Mickey and Jackie again, who are always good for a laugh, and Martha is at least a logical addition to this finale, even if I generally dislike the character (The episodes of the previous series "Utopia", "The Sound of Drums" and "Last of the Time Lords" being the only exception.)

And we move now to Donna. I have enjoyed this companion, who worked nicely as opposed to Rose and Martha, who's romantic approach failed utterly to work, it was much better to see a companion without total fawning adoration, and some of her more emotional performances were fantastic, especially when her memory is wiped.

And so, we draw to a close. One thing left to say: As much as I adore the Daleks, for fucks sake can you try and introduced a new villain to offer a decent threat to the universe. Although having said that, bringing back The Master can only be a good thing.

-Az

Kart of Darkness

If you've gone remotely near to the interweb, any gaming store, or have a friend who is partially interested in gaming, chances are you've heard of Mario Kart, an edition of which recently was released upon that most childish of gaming platforms, the Nintendo Wii, providing yet another opportunity for obsessive fanboys/girls to vigorously pleasure themselves whilst staring at their favourite overused Nintendo characters, as opposed to filling their computers with gruesome deviantART images.

Fanbase aside, there are scores upon scores of problems with Mario Kart Wii. The actual driving for example. It's really slow feeling, all of the karts handle like shopping trolleys filled with concrete and assorted detritus, and you never get a decent power up when you need one, whereas the computer controlled opponents all use this games equivalent to the hydrogen bomb, so half the races are spent using an irritatingly shrunken kart. The bikes have the same powerup issue, as well as feeling really slow, and handling like an old lady on wheels, but are also impossible to point in a straight line, thus any levels with places to drop into horrible oblivion (for example, most of them) become an exercise is failure.

Feeling irritated at the racing side of the game, I wandered with glee through the menu screens (which are easy to navigate, unlike the tracks) onto the battle game. Which was similar to the racing game, and my chosen character appeared to do battle with nearby walls. Fucking yay. Good time had by all.

Having attempted this for some time, I realised that this game was not designed for single player use! And happily scooted over to the online play where I expected to have a fun time racing and talking with happy, friendly people from all over the world. Which got kicked in the head when I realised that I was racing against A.Hitler from Germany, whos avatar had an officers uniform and a moustache to match. Great. And the same qualms with the racing occured with the online game, except now I was racing a million sad lonely people who play this game so much that they know every track perfectly. That last part mightve just been me sucking, but I swear I'm not alone in the suckage of this game.

-Az