Fanboy Baiting

Looking back at the comments received for my Mario Kart review, as well as some actual human conversation regarding my opinion as wrong, I've decided to pay attention to these alternative opinions, and throw them in the bin along with my respect for mankind and also any journalistic integrity I may have had. So get fucked, I'm right, Mario Kart Wii is a fucking terrible game.

Just to alienate any readers out there trying desparately to see some form of irony in the preceeding words, here is everything wrong with Nintendo ever.

1. Mario. Nintendos trademark fat Italian plumber. As much respect as I have for the Italians, and also those of the drainage and irrigation profession, Mario as a character is an annoying fuckweed. It strikes me as odd that in the games wherein there is a choice, Luigi (almost as worthless) is generally the better character, proving faster and able to jump higher in the 2D games, and some of the 3D ones. Paper Mario is an exception, merely because this is a FUN mario game, something which has only existed twice before in history, in the form of "Super Mario Land" and "Super Mario Land2: 6 Golden Coins".
2. Princess Peach. Whilst she generally exists as a plot device, anything which results in so much nauseating erotica on deviantART is a bad thing, much deserved of horrible torture involving cheese graters and erogenous zones.
3. Bowser. Ok, I should logically have nothing against Bowser. He dislikes Mario, and this wins him points in my book. However, he probably commissions most of the Peach Erotica, and this takes him in the direction of the soup course at a nearby seafood Restaurant. Judging by the regular enemies of Mario games, he's also a useless commander of armed forces. Which makes me wonder how he's still in command.
4. Mario Kart. It's just fucking worthless, especially the Wii edition.
5. Mario Tennis. Similarly worthless.
6. Mar...actually, any Mario spin-off except Paper Mario. Whilst some of the 2D Marios were fun, they didn't warrant the vast amount of shit that they spawned.
7. Toad/Goombas/any form of pop culture regarding these two. As much as I do accept geek culture as a good thing, these two characters are just annoying. Toad is a high voiced useless prick, and Goombas are, thankfully voiceless, armless pricks. If you want a T-Shirt with a classic video game character, at least pick a good character, like Zool.
8. Zelda, Legend of. My mum plays Zelda. My mum also reads the social work pages of The Guardian. 'nuff said.
9. Absolute refusal to try inventing a new character, or game type. Just refer to any Zero Punctuation video regarding Nintendo, the man is absolutely right. If you don't know what Zero Punctuation is, how the sordid, Norweigan FUCK did you end up reading blogs?
10. The occasionally useless controls. Picture the scene. Resident Evil 4. In a swamp, surrounded by zombies. You flick the controller to reload the weapon. Instead, Leon, the brainless Westlife reject that he is, contents himself to rotate on the spot anti-clockwise. This happens alarmingly regularly.
11. Needing to pay to download the internet browser for the Wii. That can fuck right off.
12. Finally, their rabid, drooling fanbase, who refuse to accept anything wrong with their chosen deity. In this way, Nintendo fanboys are like Middle-American Fundamentalist Christians. But not as fat.

-Az