Uni work? Or a lazy update?

A little bit of explanation before we start. For uni, I was sent unto the now defunct "Top of the Pops" new releases website, and told to review. Herein are my reviews.


Kanye West - Love Lockdown: (Writers note: This was supposed to be Jay-Z -"Show me what you got", but the site wouldn't load it, and sent me to this. Shame really as then I could've gone on about the poor grammar in the title)

The official anthem of dull. The monotonous bass continues throughout the song over and over, you can almost picture the tears running down the bassists face as he plays the the same 2 notes over and over with one hand whilst he plays cards with the drummer, who only plays an occasional military beat. And the pianist, who plays the same two chords over and over. And as for Mr West himself? He babbles on about loving his woman, although it's difficult to tell with the synth on the vocals. To be totally honest, I see no point to this song, although it'd be nice to hear Adam West on vocals, as opposed to Kanye.

Take That - Patience (Again the site wouldn't work, but this one didn't even send me to anything else. Luckily this is what youtube is for)

Wow, what a great song! Nice and speedy, with an exciting vocal line and brilliant lyrics!...and now that review without sarcasm. This song is fucking awful, dismal arsery, a group of 4 middle-aged men who've gotten bored of looking through stock portfolio's, and now try to appeal to the market of 50+ women who've gotten bored of their marriage. It's actually a painful song, the high vocals about as pleasant as a McDonalds Happy Meal with a bag of earwax instead of a toy.

Snow - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Many people are fans of RHCP. Many people are not. RHCP are essentially the Marmite of the music world, although I prefer to call them the modern day Status Quo, in that all their songs sound the same. If you like RHCP, then you'll like this song. If you don't, you'll probably have more fun playing golf in a thunderstorm.

Pink - Nobody knows

Not actually a bad song, at least to start of with. Tastefully understated piano goes brilliantly with Pinks expressive voice. Then the chorus starts, and it sounds like S Club 7. Which just proves to be a disappointing slap to the sensitive organs. However, the song is forgivable, as the video is set in a hotel room with Pink wandering around looking sad, as though Pink Floyd's "The Wall" was re-imagined by The Cure. Which is hilarious.


Jet - Bring It On Back

Jet are occasionally quite good. "Are you gonna be my girl?" was fun, even if it was the token rock song at school disco's for the entire length of it's popularity. But alas, now we have this. It'd sound great listened to in space. This is because there's no sound in space. I guess the track exists as the obligatory ballad on a rock album, and it could be far worse. There's nothign specifically wrong with it, it's just far too bland. Oh, and if you load it through the BBC website, you get to watch the video on a screen the size of a box of matches.

Lemar - Someone Should Tell You

The reason awards aren't given to songs for reaching a certain level of smug. Lemar would win it every time. Not even Micheal Bolton can out-smug this guy. There's not much else to say about this song. It's just a weaker version of anything Barry White ever did. Weak in the way that lager from Reading Festival is weak.

Faithless - Bombs

pre·ten·tious [pri-ten-shuhs]

–adjective

1.	full of pretense or pretension.

2.	characterized by assumption of dignity or importance.

3.	making an exaggerated outward show; ostentatious.

Dictionary definition. An attempted comment on the current state of American warmongering. Only the xylophone forgives this song.

The Feeling - I Love it when you Call

It says a lot about the state of modern music that something like this can be released. Synth edged pop-rock with a catchy chorus, simplistic guitar and pleasant vocals. It'll stay in your head for days and days after you hear it, no matter how many times you bash your head on reinforced concrete to make it go.

-Az

The Hidden World of Crap Spewing

T'other day, my girlfriend and I witnessed a rather enjoyable documentary on the magic box we call television. Part of the Channel 4 "Dispatches" series, it was all about lap-dancing. (I now hide as every man in the world hates me for having a girlfriend willing to watch such a feature, and as such they want to beat my head in with a rusty pike) Not enjoyable for the obvious reason I assure you, as most of the girls were hideous, and no doubt date knife-wielding Adidas clad psychopaths of the night. It was also quite heavily censored, so I could have had a better time watching girls on youtube, but I digress.

The aforementioned programme was so amusing simply for the remarkably conservative and traditional views it portrayed. Whilst it was ostensibly to catch out venues for not sticking to the rules, the main implication was one expected of a strong catholic, i.e. "Ban this filth". And whilst interviews with shocked (and old) residents were abundant, there were absolutely no interviews with those in favour of such establishments, and not much in the way of a reply from the establishments themselves, despite the "Right to reply" that the show said they had.

So, the response, from the less fascist point of view. Let people chose what they want to do! Those who say to ban these venues on ethical grounds can go and fuck themselves sideways with a bible, if you find it offensive then don't look at it, nobod's forcing you to go there. If it makes you feel better, then we're all going to hell for a few seconds of tits, but at least admit it's our own silly fault. And hey, if your religion turns out to be the shitpiece we suspect it to be, then us sick, perverted communists get a bit of a giggle too. I'm sure that there are many lap-dance connoisseurs who take offense at churches, but live and let live guys. At least this is fair. Alternatively, fuck off to Middle-America where you happily pray, hope that there'll be a cure for all the poor homosexuals, and fornicate with your blood relations.

-Az

P.S. On an unrelated note, Sarah Palin is in the new Fall Out Boy Video. If anybody has any suggestions why this is, feel free to let me know. The only explanation I can think of is that FOB are psychotic Republicans, which wouldn't surprise me as the Pete Wentz does look the product of several generations of inbreeding. Either that or they've already had monkeys in one video, so may as well move on to pitbulls.