More Gimmickry

Let's be honest here. Gamers aren't really the fittest breed of human. Most would rather sit around and play Mario Kart (Which is still shit) whilst consuming masses of McDonalds than go out and exercise. The concept of the Wii-Fit, therefore, must've been difficult to sell, seeing as the majority of gamers like to imagine that they're as well built as Dante whilst they jerk off to naughty pictures of princess peach that their mums would be horrified to see. Apologies to any female readers for the male bias there, but imagining you're any female video game character rather pushes the boundaries of fantasy, as to gain a passing resemblance one must go through years of extensive cosmetic surgery. But I digress.

So, seeing as the Wii is yet to prove itself, and in the wake of how many sodding copies of the Wii-Fit were quickly bought, I thought I'd give it a go. Within minutes of turning the game on, i was weighed up and had to enter my height, and the game proclaimed me as "Ideal" (form an orderly queue ladies) which confused me when moments later it told me I was unbalanced (form an orderly queue psychiatrists.)

Wii-Fit is a rarity on the Wii, in that it actually uses the Mii's that everybody sets up for their whole family as soon as they've got their little white box of disappointment, and aside from Wii-Sports, they get largely ignored. Well, they were used in billboards in Mario Kart, but then I'm less fond of Mario Kart than I am of prison gang rape. I rather like the Mii system here however, as seeing a playmobile idealisation of yourself on the screen failing to do simple exercises is remarkably entertaining.

Talking about failing the exercises is not a joke by the way. The board upon which the Wii-Fit depends is a bit obsessive. You must stand in exactly the right place, move exactly when you are told, and lean very slightly forwards for your centre of balance to be ok, if you wish to avoid complete failure. And even then you'll probably fail everything.

To me, the Wii-Fit is standard Nintendo fare. Gimmicky crap designed to appeal to a certain breed of human. In this case, the only buyer I can see is a mother, worried about how much weight she's put on and trying desparately to appeal to her vest-wearing, stella-swigging husband, and has decided to buy a game "for the kids" which she'll occasionally play when they're at school, and they'll refuse because it doesn't have Mario in it. Which just about makes this the best Wii game ever.

-Az