35 Things a Girl Probably Doesn't Know

This list has been floating about a while in various forms. I got it from a facebook group which was almost certainly created by a pair of tits.

1. Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

I thought we were over the 'Guys aren't emotional' thing? Consider the sheer amount of poets, writers and artists who happen to have a cock. I'd say that's pretty fair evidence that guys are emotional.

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

This is a lie. Guys when they go to sleep tend to be wondering whether getting up to get food is worth braving the cold. Usually it is.

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

GUY GO CRAZY OVER GIRL'S BOOBS. UG.

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

Guys are lazy and probably haven't noticed you're there. Unless you're bring beer. (Depressed yet?)

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're going for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

Any guy who uses that method is rubbish at thinking up names. I'd call it the 'Devious Bastard' method.

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

Man own woman. Woman talk only to man. Man smash other man for looking. Because obviously we're all neanderthals and our method of pulling is to savagely beat a girl about the head with a stout stick and drag them by their hair back to our caves for a night of pounding away like we've been without a shag since '03.

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.
Because if we're not told we're loved, we cry like Oeghan Quigg after one of his rivals got booted out of X-Factor. Or not. maybe we just feel confident.

8. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

Didn't this come up earlier as the first point on this list? Slightly different wording, but the same thing. Guys are emotional, nobody denies this. Stop being a pillock.

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

Ok this is actually true. But guys do this as well, and thus the point has no place on this list.

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

Aside from bullets, knives, axes, blunt instruments, maces, spears, poison, nuclear fallout, drowning, electrocution, swift kicks to the nads... The list goes on. And what about gay guys? Are they weak against women too? Are women some gender based version of Kryptonite?

11. Guys are very open about themselves.

I thought we didn't want people to know we're emotional? Consistency in the list would be lovely if you feel like trying it at any point.

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

This surely depends on the problem. If a man tells you about the broken glass in his arm, the advice you should give goes along the lines of 'Go to the hospital.'

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

He might actually be trying to offend you. Don't be so vain and assume that he's calling you 'the white whale' and waving a harpoon around because he wants to marry you.

14. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

Can't love be equal? Does one partner have to love the other more? Oh wait of course not, because that would make sense.

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful.If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

I know many guys who frequently use the word beautiful to describe many things. If I see a dog and call it beautiful, does that automatically mean I want to take it home to meet my parents and get their approval?

16. No matter how much some guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

I love the use of 'some' in this point. Possibly whoever wrote this list has started coming to the conclusion that all people are different, and as such any list becomes pointless.

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

I was going to put a joke in here, but my girlfriend told me not to.

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

Lies. Most guys don't think at all. And if we do, it's about something pointless. Like owls.

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

Doesn't this depend on level of stupidity? If I stub my toe while with my girlfriend I don't tend to think about it very much beyond shouting ' Fuck' at the top of my lungs.

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

Whereas if he's spazzing, he's probably faking it and is calm and relaxed inside.

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

'I'm going crazy about the girl! My trousers are jam and the yellow squirrel vomits in my shoes!'

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

If he asks for a cuddle it means ' I don't want you within 18 miles of me' and the phrase: 'would you like to go watch a film?' is code for 'The enemy within approaches. Destroy the evidence and meet me in Havana. I will be in The Hotel Chupacabra under the name Miguel Sanchez.'

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

Guys can be serious about unimportant things. In fact, that happens more often. We can very seriously talk about what flavour crisps are superior. (Flame Grilled Steak wins out, scientific fact.)

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them.

I'll agree with this one. But again, guys do this. Get out of the list.

25.When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

'I wonder if I could put my penis in that?'

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

Usually women. If this list is to be believed.

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

Makes us sound like a meerkat. 'And so we see the male Homo sapien, who is easily intimidated and so we have to keep very quiet.'

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

This is a lie. Girls always talk about guys. My girlfriend does, she's always bragging about my unmatched sexual prowess.

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

'I see one of those creatures who have different toilets to me...I must go to her and sit
outside her window with a camera...'

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

I'm pretty attached to my right nut. And my left one actually, now that I think about it. So I don't think so. Unless she knew the combination to the safe.

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

Again, this depends on the problem. If my problem is my untied shoelace, I can generally fix that by myself.

32. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

Yes it does. We are one. We are Borg.

33. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.

Even if they refuse it. What does that even mean? I guess this means if there's no reaction when you tickle a guys ribs, he's just lying.

34. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts.

That's a pretty safe thing to say. He really likes you or his neck really hurts. Or he might just be enjoying it. You can't read anything from somebody just sat there enjoying neck rub.

35. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

Does any guy do that? Sacrificing their health I mean. 'Look, I ripped off my own arm! Spend time with me!' And if a guy is sacrificing his sleep, it normally means he's getting laid. So don't read anything into a guy staying awake.

Right, you lot should be sufficiently depressed now.

-Az

Wikipedia

I love Wikipedia trolls. That is all. Click the pic to see large image. And to be able to read.

-Az

Must Be Christmas

Daily Mail's filled with laughter,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Gays and Muslims result in cancer,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Anyway. Christmas is indeed upon us, you can tell because you freeze your bollocks/tits (delete according to gender or physical fitness) every time you go outside, and also because slowly but surely you hear more stories of outrage. Here is what I feel is the most common one.


'This should be a Christian country! We've always been Christian and should be able to celebrate Christmas without having to worry about offending the ragheads!"

Nobody is stopping you from celebrating Christmas! Every year shops go all out with massive Christmas celebrations, almost all places of work have Christmas parties, Everywhere you go will have at least one Christmas tree, and on Christmas Day nothing will be open. Does this sound like you're not being allowed to celebrate? No. No it does not so slink back to your copy of the Daily Express and STOP FUCKING WHINGING.

Christmas, no matter what we may think of it, is always going to be here in some form or another. So as a gesture of goodwill and kindness, every time somebody moans about how Christmas is being shunned by the PC Lib' ruls, beat them in the face with the sharpened edge of a spade and anally penetrate them with a fucking tree.

-Az

P.S. Yes. I don't think anybody knows how happy this makes me.

P.P.S. What would the Daily Mail think about a frequently published hate filled bundle of paper trying to terrify our population? Surely such a thing is a disruption to our way of life? I see the headline now: 'DAILY MAIL LINKED TO DROP IN HOUSE PRICES'

A strange, lonely and troubling column

The news of Jan Moir's column was deeply shocking. It was not just that another young columnist had written pointlessly.

Through the recent travails and sad tales of Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Littlejohn and many others, fans know to expect the unexpected of their heroes - particularly if those idols live a life that is shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice.

There are dozens of household names out there with secret and not-so-secret troubles, or damaging habits both past and present.

Clarkson, Brooker, Mitchell, Webb; we all know who they are. And we are not being ghoulish to anticipate, or to be mentally braced for, their bad writing: a long night, a mysterious page of words, an odd set of circumstances that herald a sudden failure.

In the morning, the ink has already dried before the first concerned hand reaches out to touch an icy celebrity shoulder. It is not exactly a new storyline, is it?

In fact, it is rather depressingly familiar. But somehow we never expected it of her. Never her. Not Jan Moir.

In the cheerful environs of The Daily Mail, Moir was always charming, cute, polite and funny.

A feature member of The Daily Mail's online reporting, she was the group's columnist, even though she could barely write a shopping list in Microsoft Word.

She was the Posh Spice of The Daily Mail, a popular but largely rancorous addition.

Moir came out as Homophobic in 2009 after discovering that someone was planning to sell a story revealing her sexuality to a newspaper.

Although she was effectively smoked out of the closet, she has been hailed as a champion of gay bashing, albeit a reluctant one.

At the time, Moir worried that the revelations might end her ultra-mainstream career as a decent human being, but she received an overwhelmingly positive response from fans. In fact, it only made them love her more.

In 2008, Moir entered into a civil union with the Online section of The Daily Mail, which had been introduced to her by mutual friends A.Hitler and N.Griffin.

Last week, the couple were enjoying a holiday together in their apartment in Knightsbridge before their world was capsized.

All the official reports point to a natural article, with no suspicious circumstances. The Moir family are - perhaps understandably - keen to register their girl's writing on the national consciousness as nothing more than a tragic accident.

Even before the post-mortem and toxicology reports were released by the Spanish authorities, the Moir's lawyer reiterated that they believed her sudden rant was due to natural causes.

But, hang on a minute. Something is terribly wrong with the way this incident has been shaped and spun into nothing more than an unfortunate mishap on a holiday weekend, like a broken teacup in the rented cottage.

Consider the way it has been largely reported, as if Moir had gently drawn a doodle at the age of 90 in the grounds of the Bide-a-Wee rest home while hoeing the sweet pea patch.

The sugar coating on this fatality is so saccharine-thick that it obscures whatever bitter truth lies beneath. Healthy and fit 53-year-old women do not just climb into their pyjamas and go COMPLETLEY BATSHIT MENTAL and never recover.

Whatever the cause of her insanity is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Jan Moir is not sane.

And I think if we are going to be honest, we would have to admit that the circumstances surrounding her writing are more than a little sleazy.

After a night of clubbing (gays), Moir and her writing pad took a young pencil back to her apartment. It is not disrespectful to assume that a game of canasta with Mr 2B was not what was on the cards.

Mr 2b and the notepad went to the bedroom together while Moir remained alone in the living room.

What happened before they parted is known only to the Moir. What happened afterwards is anyone's guess.

A post-mortem revealed Moir to be a straightjacket job.

Moir's family have always maintained that drugs were not involved in the writer's column, but it has just been revealed that they are the only way to cope with it.

Nevertheless, her mother is still insisting that her daughter writes due to a previously undetected mental condition that has plagued the family.

Another real sadness about Moir's article is that it strikes another blow to the happy-ever-after myth of newspaper columns.

Columists are always calling for tolerance and understanding about opinion writers, arguing that they are just the same as real journalists. Not everyone, they say, is like Polly Filla.

Of course, in many cases this may be true. Yet the recent writings of The Telegraph, the former employer of Moir, and now the dubious events of her last column raise troubling questions about what happened.

It is important that the truth comes out about the exact circumstances of her strange and lonely column.

As a writers rights champion, I am sure she would want to set an example to any impressionable young women who may want to emulate what they might see as her glamorous routine.

For once again, under the carapace of glittering, hedonistic celebrity, the ooze of a very different and more dangerous lifestyle has seeped out for all to see.

-Az

Top Ten 09/7/09

1. Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor (New)
2. Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror Coffin (New)
3. La Roux - Bulletproof (New)
4. David Guetta - When Love Takes Over
5. Lady Gaga - Paparazzi
6. Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
7. Agnes - Release Me
8. Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
8. Pixie Lott - Mama Do
10. Michael Jackson - Billie Jean (New)

Cascada - Evacuate the Dancefloor

There are a variety of words to describe this song. Boring is a good one, generic is another. There are so many electronic sounding things in the world at the moment that it's a miracle this got to number one. Generic. Generic voice, generic melody, generic rhythm, generic beat, generic vocal effects, generic lyrics. There's a pointless rap midway through too. So ticking all the political correctness ethnic boxes. Whiteboy electronica, token black rapper. Black and white, like chess, the Ace of Spades, and Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror Coffin

It seems fitting that the video opens with footage of children. NO. BAD. TRY AGAIN.

A heartfelt plea for people all round the world to help those less fortunate, slow instrumentation, a simplistic approach to the meaningful lyrics all spliced in with Jackson's unique voice, layered over a video of various atrocities. And goes a bit gospel halfway. Sounds fine. If it wasn't full of hypocrisy. Every famous musician has enough money to buy Belgium, and I think that together they could end world poverty. But instead, despite what they give to charity, they keep bucketloads for themselves so they can build amusement parks to go with their mansions, the eventual aim being to lure the young children into bed with them. Obviously this is an exageration, nobody in real life would...oh wait.

La Roux - Bulletproof

I actually liked the previous La Roux release, In For The Kill. Which adds to the shame, because this particular attempt falls a bit flat. The argument against 80s synth pop revival gains more credability once you hear this song, especially considering 2 minutes 30 seconds into the damn thing we hear the sound of what can only be described as "Space Bagpipes," the sort of thing George Lucas would have shoehorned into the Star Wars prequels if he'd thought of it first. Oh, and the singer, Elly Jackson, looks like a 12 year old boy. I guess Michael Jackson would have been a fan.

Michael Jackson - Billie Jean

In all honesty I'm suprised only two Jackson songs got into the Top Ten. But anyway, onto Billie Jean. Recorded back when Jackson was still black, this is one of his biggest and most recognisable songs. But somewhat unspectacular. Apart from his voice, barely anything in the bloody song stands out. Some attempts at instrumental excitement are attempted, with occasional bluesy guitar fills, but also the most singularly disappointing guitar solo IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. And the lyric "The kid is not my son." This is all that stands out. And that's only because everybody in the world has heard this song a million fucking times, because everybody believes that Jackson was the best performer ever. Excuse me cuntrags, but before Jackson died weren't you all saying that about Freddie Mercury? Who, incidentally, was also a highly overrated individual.

-Az

P.S. All go out and buy Florence and the Machines single - Rabbit Heart. If you do maybe it'll get into the Top Ten and I'll be able to review a song that I actually like.

Top Ten 26/6/09

1: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
2: Pixie Lott - Mama Do
3: Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow (Not "Gotta get that" as previously chronicled)
4: Agnes - Release Me
5: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
6: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers
7: Daniel Merriweather - Red
8: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi (New)
9: Take That - Said It All (New)
10: The Veronicas - Untouched


Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

Before I get onto the actual song, may I say that the video is ridiculously long. I mean really. I sat there for 3 minutes and 4 seconds before the fucking thing started. That's 3 minutes and 4 seconds I won't get back. And during this time we learn that Lady Gaga has insane pyjamas. Who wears gloves to bed? And later on, when the song is underway, she's dressed like a Valkyrie but with crutches. WHAT THE ARSE.

Moving on, the song is standard Lady DoDo fare, electronic drums, boring bass line, yada yada. Lyrics tend towards standard stuff as well, although this time Lady YoYo appears to be stalking a famous performer. HOWEVER. This song may be more intelligent than I give it credit for. The video depicts Lady WahWah as the famous one. So we must ask the question: Can somebody with multiple personality disorder stalk themselves? THANK YOU LADY CHACHA, YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.



Take That - Said It All

The Scrubs slow-scene factor of this song is through the roof. The strings, the piano, the meaningless lyrics, they're there in spades. The emotion of this song is quite high. Assuming you count hilarity as an emotion. You honestly can't believe songs like this when it is common knowledge that Take That reformed only to boost their sales and make money. Also, the emotional value of the piece, a sad farewell to a lover, is decreased even further when you learn that five people wrote the song. Did they all have the same experience? Are Take That actually Borg? Borg with knowledge of mainstream opera? The clown theme of the video is surely a reference to Pagliacci! HOW DEEP. They probably saw it on The Simpsons.

-Az

P.S. An entire post with no reference to Michael Jackson!

Some Say He's Michael Schumacher

The tearing down of the Berlin Wall. The signing of the Declaration of Independence. South Park making fun of Tom Cruise. In all my days I never thought these historic events and others like them could ever be equalled in terms of their cultural magnitude. But I was wrong, as The Stig finally lifted his helmet and answered the sole question that had troubled philosophers beyond the beginning of Top Gear itself. As Descartes famously once said:

"I think, Therefore I am The Stig".

So, after 5 years of speculation, we all finally know. ....or do we?

No, is the answer most people will agree on, which is exactly what the devious bastards at the BBC will have been aiming for! The beauty of revealing the identity of one of modern TVs most recognizable icons is that no one was ever going to believe it, true or not! The speculation has gone from "Who could The Stig be?" to... well, the same question really! Especially after Schumacher talked about having to do a few practice laps in the car he had to drive in order to learn the track. One would think the man who had done nothing but drive cars around that track for years would know more or less where the corners were.

Interestingly, with the "reveal" of Schumacher as The Stig, and the effectiveness of keeping his identity secret for so long, I think the BBC have accidentally created something truly amazing. I no longer think it is even possible to know the identity of this mysterious tame racing driver. Some say...he is Ben Collins. Some say... he is more than one man. Some say it really is Schumacher. The point is, even if Ben Collins or someone were to admit it, a large amount of people would have their doubts, and how could you PROVE that you are the Stig? Removing the helmet on TV obviously doesn't get the job done, and the outfit is available to all who can afford it. We don't exactly have dental records to go on!

Maybe one day we'll all start to believe that he really is a feral racer, tamed by the BBC and put in a zoo of horsepower and noise for all to stare at. Some say it would be kinder to let him run free in the wild. But...what would he drive there?

- Fox

UK Top Ten 19/6/09

1: Pixie Lott - Mama Do

Uh oh. Uh oh. Another attempt at wonderful nostalgia. Trying to get back to the old days of Motown sound. With a modern edge with the beat, and electronic instrumentation favoured by the new-romantics of the 80s. Brilliant innovation and an expert fusion of a variety of styles! Or not. The catchy opening...and verse...and chorus...and break...and outro...oh wait, the whole song is overwhelmed by uh oh. Which about sums the whole thing up.

2: Black Eyed Peas - Gotta Get That

OK, to understand this song, tap your fingers on the top of a Shreddies box, and occasionally clap. While this is going on, leave the kitchen tap on. Now use any text to speech converter to convert any generic RnB lyrics, and have any female member of your household occasionally chirp in with occasional shouts of Oh Yeah/Put your hands in the air/Come on get down/I said get down from there/You'll fall and hurt yourself/actually don't put your hands in the air if you do you'll lose your grip and fall and DIE. Oh, and the brilliant advertising "Gotta Get That." No. No I do not, I do not want that. It's a rubbish song.

3: Agnes - Release Me

Who the fuck attempts a pop career with the name Agnes? I'm also noticing a trend. "Release Me." Possibly a cry of desparation to the producer? Along the same lines of the advertising in "Gotta get that." Release Me has possibly the most idiotic lyric in all the known world: "Release me, because I'm not able to." NO SHIT. If you could get out of whatever dilemma you're in, it wouldn't be release, it'd be escape. So I say, some please release Agnes. Using a pillow to the face ala One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest.

4: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers

Well you'd have to be to like this song ha ha ha. According to MTV this song is performed with "Van Helden," which makes me think Van Halen did the guitar that can be heard in the background, but doesn't want to be associated. Typical gangstaaaaaa stuff, regarding love of sex and violence, a heavy bass line being his kind of silence, his mum made him learn to play violins, and personally I think he should stop tryings.

5: Daniel Merriweather - Red

Zzz...Huh? Oh I need to be awake to review. The guitar is technically good. The voice is technically. Doesn't stop the song being boring and generic. It's the sort of thing that they use in Scrubs for the vaguely moralistic scenes. So if you like that sort of shit than hooray for you.

6: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down

Urgh. More of the gangstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa stuff. But the female kind, so a positive message telling you to get back up when they've (Men. OBVIOUSLY) knocked you down. It's a duet of sorts, looks likes Male Gangstaaaaaaa is begging his Female Gangstaaaaaaaa to forgive him. Also, one of the lyrics does mention "Flying off into NASA." Assuming that they actually mean into NASA, that's a ridiculous endeavour. And pointless. Flying off with NASA doesn't make a great deal of sense either, as BA do far cheaper plane tickets.

7: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over

Well the intro sounds like the piano to "Clock" by generic pop clowns Coldplay, followed by generic beats and minimal instrumentation. I can imagine this in a club being played with stupid people jumping up and down to it due to massive inebriation. Not sure why anybody would actually buy this as a single.

8: Kasabian - Fire

My hopes that this was a cover of an old Arthur Brown song were soon crippled like a caravan at a monster truck rally. But it's a fairly good song when compared to the rest of the Top Ten. Too bad it sounds like Kasabian. So if you're not feeling all that happy, try not to listen to it, it'll take you down to the local noose merchant. Which is a shame, because the chorus is damn fine.

9: The Veronicas - Untouched

The first time you hear this song, you will shrug and ignore it. The second time (and guaranteed you've heard it, it's had masses of airplay) you will think "Actually...that's alright." And BLAMMO. You're hooked. This is how cults start.

10: Soulja Soldier Boy - Kiss Me Thru Through the Phone

Not many people write songs about phone sex. So he should be commended for coming clean about the whole thing. Maybe that's why he started a singing career. Anything too pay off his $78billion phone bill. Again, apply the same logic to every other gangstaaaaaaa song in the world.

More next week folks!

-Az

P.S. I thought emo had left our lives? Have you seen the video for Untouched? Jesus Christ. It looks like me when I was 16 and STUPID.

Twatter

Bow before my imagination!

Some of my good friends have recently been declared mentally dead, and have got twitter accounts. WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

Twitter. For when whatever you're doing is actually boring enough to distract you and make you write in a fucking mini/wannabe blog what you're doing, for the benefit of other twats with twitter.

Do you know what you could be doing as opposed to updating Twitter? That's right, ANYTHING.

Read a newspaper! Write a novel! Draw a picture! Talk to a human being in person! Anything but goddamn twitter. It doesn't even deserve a capital letter.

-Az

Plug #2

New link approaching with the ferocity of a starved orphan.

www.whatseatingsean.blogspot.com

Read it, and become a better person.

-Az

Seriously?

Britain's got Talent (as long as it's dancing or singing, apparently, I see few other talents in that fucking show) has now ended. Hoorah, now we may get some good TV on a Saturday night. Or not, because it was on ITV, a station less entertaining than watching two thalidomides playing twister.

But I'm not here to rant about ITV, but rather the mass hypocrisy of the media. The curious case of Susan Boyle, the hairy angel.

The press (in the UK, any yanks reading this will not know what I'm talking about, so they can go here) have been going on a bit about L'angel de la hair, how she is THE GREAT MESSIAH OF SINGING, how she's not that great, how she's gone psychotic, and how she's not cut out for fame, and how the press should leave here alone. Well, not every newspaper, the Express is currently linking Diana's death to the drop in house prices and the rise of cancer and immigrants, and the Independent are still trying to be a serious news paper HOW CUTE.

Surely anybody at this illustrious organs will have noticed the oddity here. They talk about her unable to handle the press coverage...and keep writing about her. The Daily Hate-Mail even had an ex-Big Brother psychologist stating in their pages that she should be left alone.

What is it with Britain and wanting so desparately to see somebody fall? Not just fall, but collapse face down into the shit in the gutter outside the ITV studios. The poor woman has done nothing to offend, so maybe back off and leave here alone?

There is that side of things, but then a thought strikes. How much of this has been orchestrated? Is the whole psychosis a fraud? We all know that insanity boosts viewing figures. Maybe it's all been carefully organised. After all, the judges reactions to Das Angel von Herr looked so pantomime that I started shouting "Oh no she isn't! (a brilliant singer)" at the screen until my girlfriend elbowed me in the bollocks.

So. To recap. START PUTTING NEWS IN NEWSPAPERS.

And Diana died, get the fuck over it.

-Az

P.S. Click here

As if we had anything important to say

I do sometimes stop and wonder what the point of writing these things is. Am I going to change the world? I somehow doubt it. Will I affect the way people think? Probably not. I can't even think of anything funny to write these days! I did hear a good joke the other day that I thought might work well here but I forgot the punchline. And also the bit leading up to the punchline. So the whole joke, really, and I don't know if you've noticed but humour tends to be slightly less effective when it doesn't consist of words.

Still using a "u" in humour, by the way. I may be putting on a bit in ice cream but I'm not American yet!

Speaking of ice cream, that leads me very nicely into the realm of today's topic, which is of course the fast paced, unrelenting nature of western culture these days. I'm not the first person to point out how traditional values and the serenity of times gone by has been lost, buried under a carpet of fast food, MP4 players, SMART Cars, and "Lady GaGa". In fact, I'm not one of the people who is going to point that out at all. The way I see it, if we're living longer nowadays, and simple things are taking less time to do, we have more time than any generation before us to enjoy ourselves. Or earn some money, or catch up on university work, or sit around eating up just that little bit more of bandwidth on the great information highway.

I've heard people say "Look at all the amazing stuff you take for granted" a million times, and really don't understand where they are coming from. Taking for granted what 50 years ago was in the realm of science fiction is just a testament to human achievement. If our basic living standards are that much higher, imagine how much cooler all the stuff we get excited about is! Holograms, holidays in space, we're well on the way to creating a world we could only previously find in games like Star Ocean, is that not something to be proud of? Never being satisfied drives ambition, which drives us forward.

On the flip side however, and I do apologise for lowering the tone of mindless optimism to something a bit more grounded in reality, this modern trend of instant gratification really gets you frustrated when you use something that is lagging a bit behind. Waiting 2 whole weeks for a parcel from Hong Kong? What are we in, the dark ages!? It annoys me that I let myself get irritated at such petty things, but then I suppose that's what this big white space in the middle of my screen is for - so I can ramble on and remind myself and any of you who have run out of Stephen King/"What Turtle?" to read that things aren't that bad really. 

I've also just realised that stuffing my face with ice cream might be why I'm struggling to get fit for for Karting!

Right, I've fulfilled my time wasting requirements for today, if I encouraged thought from anyone at all, I guess I can count that a success! I'll keep an eye out for anything that might make you laugh and be back quicker then you can say the phrase spelled out in the hidden message I have constructed during this post. Jot down any guesses in the comments of this post, some shiny karma to the person who gets it first!

Keep the fire burning, and embrace your dreams.

- Fox

Sorry I took so long

Right. The world.

More specifically the UK, my home. Cesspool.

Wanna know why? We're a nation of evil bigots, racists, homophobes, and we celebrate ignorance.

More or less every newspaper in the whole fucking country has been babbling on and on about Jade Goody, and it's only through an actual tragedy that she's been shifted. Thank fuck for that. But bashing Jade Goody isn't why I'm typing, we have sickipedia for that.

I'm referring to a pair of people I heard talking on the bus to work. A pair of old women talking about Italy, and how the Earthquake means less of them to come here. Less Italians to come to England.

What sort of fucking idiot right-wing rag have these two been grinding up and snorting? How many Italians are flocking to England in their masses to escape an evil regime and seek a better life/steal our jobs and women? It's pretty unheard of. They have no evil regime, although Berlusconi is a bit of a tit, albeit one with balls. And they're doing better than us for jobs, and one would assume they're doing alright for women, otherwise we'd have heard about their population suddenly dropping.

They continued talking, and I carried on listening.

"Serves them right really, they're all a bunch of queers. It was probably God who did it."

It really gets you down knowing that people like this exist. The only possible solution as far as I can see?

Whenever you see an OAP, scream at them "Your political views are wrong!"

And now, to cheer up this rather serious post, some of Berlusconi's best hits.

• To those left homeless after the earthquake: "Pretend it's a camping holiday"
• To a German politician: "Mr Schulz, I know a movie producer in Italy who is making a movie about Nazi concentration camps. I suggest you play the role of a Kapo You are perfect for the part!"
• In reference to liberal politicians: "The left has no taste, even when it comes to women"
• In reference to Barack Obama: "I hear he has a nice tan" (Apparently, I haven't confirmed this)

-Az

Blue Rinse Rising

All I wanted was to go to town, get my new phone, possibly a coffee, and then to come home.

To quote Top Gear 'How hard can it be?'

I found myself without benefit of coffee, clutching my new phone, following a trio of old women. Not something I find myself doing often I assure you all. These particular women were armed to the teeth with newspapers, Union Jack clothing, and their leader wearing a billboard. "Stop Corruption and the Communist EU agenda."

Don't get me wrong, but surely fear of Communism stopped in the early 90s, replaced by fear of religious fundamentalism? I don't begrudge them their stance against corruption, but the talk of communism intrigued me, as well as their free democratic paper the "UK Column"

Diving instantly for my trusty tape recorder, I began to record the march. A brief interview began to unfold, starting with the marchers asking me to publish whatever they said. Which I'm doing, for the benefit of all you out their waiting for a good laugh.

"That's what we need, we need stuff publishing. We cant get it onto main media because the main media's all biased against, they don't want the truth. They've got thugs on them that's why."

Forgive me for saying so, but within mainstream media, surely all political views are expressed? The Guardian is extreme lefty, The Independent is slightly left, and representing the right we have The Daily Mail and the Express. And as for having thugs on them, this is just untrue. If so, all newspapers would be either massively left wing, or massively right wing. As it stands, we have a nice mixture of both.

"Look up who the media's owned by. Look up who the American Federal Bank is owned by. Look up new world orders, sustainable development."

I have since done so, and found nothing but bizarre conspiracy theories, and articles on ecology. So I've got no idea what sustainable development has to do with the recession and a communist plot, but before I could question I was informed further about the state of the economic crisis.

"Big bankers deliberately caused this money collapse so that that happened (recession) and they will use that as an argument for going into a totalitarian, communist style state. All this that's happening isn't accident. the big bankers have had this planned for a long time and the Bilderbergers (the Bilderberg Group, annual meeting of bankers and those involved in finance) and all the rest of it"

With this information happily tucked away, I started to ask about sources. Naturally nobody was named, but I did learn this:

"From all over, we get information coming from all over. Inside parliament, from politicians. Some politicians don't want to be in the EU but they're overruled by the rest, most of them do."

Considering their aims for a "Democratic Britain," they don't seem to have much grasp of democracy. The majority of politicians, voted for by the public, want to be in the EU, at least according to what I'd just been told. Surely then this is democracy at work, with politicians voting over the future of the country? Just a thought.

"Brian Gerrish who writes the paper. Contact him to learn more."

And I think I will, and shall keep you all posted.

-Az

P.S. I took a copy of the UK Column, and it's possibly a more terrifying read than the Daily Express. And the website is worse. Here are a few of my favourite snippets of insanity.

"Marxist New Labour, Cameron's Fabian socialist Tories and Clegg's 'Rent-Boy' Lib-Dem Party."

"The work of the Brown, Cameron, Clegg cabal is treason"

And finally, an actual page long column

"The Discerning Christian Column - Explaining how Christianity is being Destroyed by the EU Beast." Possibly ignoring the fact that mainland Europe is more religious than Britain, seeing as they have The Vatican and all. The actual column sounds like a call to some holy war against the infidel, but then religious people would never use their beliefs to attack others would they?

Taking the smeg

I don't know if you've heard, but apparantly the country seems to having some sort of financial troubles at the moment! You can tell because everyone on the news is rambling on about it. It's interesting, from my point of view at least, that the economy is apparantly in a recession, and yet absolutely everywhere I look prices are plummeting! Petrol is down about 20p over the last 3 months, ASDA and the other big stores are still undercutting each other at every opportunity, in a seemingly desperate attempt to go bankrupt first.

So it seems from the point of view of the average consumer, the credit crunch is really positive! At least, as long as you don't want to sell a house or a car. Because prices are at an all time low, in just 10,000 miles supercars worth £100,000 are losing 80% of their value. That's £80,000 lost in just one year! On the plus side, if you're buying cars and houses, then its a golden age!

But to get onto the point of this blog, the sport we all know as "football" is really starting to take the piss. Manchester City are said to be offering £100 million to AC Milan to buy this "Kaka" fellow, and in turn are planning to give him half a million quid a week. Half a million a week!! That's almost enough to buy a "hearty" American lunch! And I do worry about the effect this is all having. I mean, I have nothing against sports people such as Wayne Giggs and Phillip Rooney being paid lots of money, they do have a very hard job. In the case of footballers its intensive training every single day, plus 90 minutes of crunch time when you're expected to perform, plus helping run soccer schools, coaching younger players, you have to stick to a strict diet/fitness program... but £500k a week?

Let's put that in context. Kaka, if he comes to Manchester City and earns this wage, will be able to buy FOUR Aston Martin's each week. If he saves up for 14 days he'll be able to buy a Bugatti Veyron. What do you even DO with all that money? Couldn't it be better spent?

So I think the solution to these "taking the piss" sums of money is very simple. Ban footballers from using it. Or maybe not the players, just their clubs. All they ever seem to do is give each other money for players, these guys have their own little economy within the walls of their fancy stadiums. So I reckon instead of wasting proper money, they should all just use Disney money. Or the stuff you play monopoly with. Give Kaka £50 for the shopping and an Aston each week and he'll be happy enough! It'll leave a bit more for the rest of us who have to deal with REAL problems such as....not having very much money!

- Fox