1: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
2: Pixie Lott - Mama Do
3: Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow (Not "Gotta get that" as previously chronicled)
4: Agnes - Release Me
5: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
6: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers
7: Daniel Merriweather - Red
8: Lady Gaga - Paparazzi (New)
9: Take That - Said It All (New)
10: The Veronicas - Untouched
Lady Gaga - Paparazzi
Before I get onto the actual song, may I say that the video is ridiculously long. I mean really. I sat there for 3 minutes and 4 seconds before the fucking thing started. That's 3 minutes and 4 seconds I won't get back. And during this time we learn that Lady Gaga has insane pyjamas. Who wears gloves to bed? And later on, when the song is underway, she's dressed like a Valkyrie but with crutches. WHAT THE ARSE.
Moving on, the song is standard Lady DoDo fare, electronic drums, boring bass line, yada yada. Lyrics tend towards standard stuff as well, although this time Lady YoYo appears to be stalking a famous performer. HOWEVER. This song may be more intelligent than I give it credit for. The video depicts Lady WahWah as the famous one. So we must ask the question: Can somebody with multiple personality disorder stalk themselves? THANK YOU LADY CHACHA, YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE.
Take That - Said It All
The Scrubs slow-scene factor of this song is through the roof. The strings, the piano, the meaningless lyrics, they're there in spades. The emotion of this song is quite high. Assuming you count hilarity as an emotion. You honestly can't believe songs like this when it is common knowledge that Take That reformed only to boost their sales and make money. Also, the emotional value of the piece, a sad farewell to a lover, is decreased even further when you learn that five people wrote the song. Did they all have the same experience? Are Take That actually Borg? Borg with knowledge of mainstream opera? The clown theme of the video is surely a reference to Pagliacci! HOW DEEP. They probably saw it on The Simpsons.
-Az
P.S. An entire post with no reference to Michael Jackson!
Friday, 26 June 2009
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Some Say He's Michael Schumacher
The tearing down of the Berlin Wall. The signing of the Declaration of Independence. South Park making fun of Tom Cruise. In all my days I never thought these historic events and others like them could ever be equalled in terms of their cultural magnitude. But I was wrong, as The Stig finally lifted his helmet and answered the sole question that had troubled philosophers beyond the beginning of Top Gear itself. As Descartes famously once said:
"I think, Therefore I am The Stig".
So, after 5 years of speculation, we all finally know. ....or do we?
No, is the answer most people will agree on, which is exactly what the devious bastards at the BBC will have been aiming for! The beauty of revealing the identity of one of modern TVs most recognizable icons is that no one was ever going to believe it, true or not! The speculation has gone from "Who could The Stig be?" to... well, the same question really! Especially after Schumacher talked about having to do a few practice laps in the car he had to drive in order to learn the track. One would think the man who had done nothing but drive cars around that track for years would know more or less where the corners were.
Interestingly, with the "reveal" of Schumacher as The Stig, and the effectiveness of keeping his identity secret for so long, I think the BBC have accidentally created something truly amazing. I no longer think it is even possible to know the identity of this mysterious tame racing driver. Some say...he is Ben Collins. Some say... he is more than one man. Some say it really is Schumacher. The point is, even if Ben Collins or someone were to admit it, a large amount of people would have their doubts, and how could you PROVE that you are the Stig? Removing the helmet on TV obviously doesn't get the job done, and the outfit is available to all who can afford it. We don't exactly have dental records to go on!
Maybe one day we'll all start to believe that he really is a feral racer, tamed by the BBC and put in a zoo of horsepower and noise for all to stare at. Some say it would be kinder to let him run free in the wild. But...what would he drive there?
- Fox
Friday, 19 June 2009
UK Top Ten 19/6/09
1: Pixie Lott - Mama Do
Uh oh. Uh oh. Another attempt at wonderful nostalgia. Trying to get back to the old days of Motown sound. With a modern edge with the beat, and electronic instrumentation favoured by the new-romantics of the 80s. Brilliant innovation and an expert fusion of a variety of styles! Or not. The catchy opening...and verse...and chorus...and break...and outro...oh wait, the whole song is overwhelmed by uh oh. Which about sums the whole thing up.
2: Black Eyed Peas - Gotta Get That
OK, to understand this song, tap your fingers on the top of a Shreddies box, and occasionally clap. While this is going on, leave the kitchen tap on. Now use any text to speech converter to convert any generic RnB lyrics, and have any female member of your household occasionally chirp in with occasional shouts of Oh Yeah/Put your hands in the air/Come on get down/I said get down from there/You'll fall and hurt yourself/actually don't put your hands in the air if you do you'll lose your grip and fall and DIE. Oh, and the brilliant advertising "Gotta Get That." No. No I do not, I do not want that. It's a rubbish song.
3: Agnes - Release Me
Who the fuck attempts a pop career with the name Agnes? I'm also noticing a trend. "Release Me." Possibly a cry of desparation to the producer? Along the same lines of the advertising in "Gotta get that." Release Me has possibly the most idiotic lyric in all the known world: "Release me, because I'm not able to." NO SHIT. If you could get out of whatever dilemma you're in, it wouldn't be release, it'd be escape. So I say, some please release Agnes. Using a pillow to the face ala One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest.
4: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers
Well you'd have to be to like this song ha ha ha. According to MTV this song is performed with "Van Helden," which makes me think Van Halen did the guitar that can be heard in the background, but doesn't want to be associated. Typical gangstaaaaaa stuff, regarding love of sex and violence, a heavy bass line being his kind of silence, his mum made him learn to play violins, and personally I think he should stop tryings.
5: Daniel Merriweather - Red
Zzz...Huh? Oh I need to be awake to review. The guitar is technically good. The voice is technically. Doesn't stop the song being boring and generic. It's the sort of thing that they use in Scrubs for the vaguely moralistic scenes. So if you like that sort of shit than hooray for you.
6: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
Urgh. More of the gangstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa stuff. But the female kind, so a positive message telling you to get back up when they've (Men. OBVIOUSLY) knocked you down. It's a duet of sorts, looks likes Male Gangstaaaaaaa is begging his Female Gangstaaaaaaaa to forgive him. Also, one of the lyrics does mention "Flying off into NASA." Assuming that they actually mean into NASA, that's a ridiculous endeavour. And pointless. Flying off with NASA doesn't make a great deal of sense either, as BA do far cheaper plane tickets.
7: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
Well the intro sounds like the piano to "Clock" by generic pop clowns Coldplay, followed by generic beats and minimal instrumentation. I can imagine this in a club being played with stupid people jumping up and down to it due to massive inebriation. Not sure why anybody would actually buy this as a single.
8: Kasabian - Fire
My hopes that this was a cover of an old Arthur Brown song were soon crippled like a caravan at a monster truck rally. But it's a fairly good song when compared to the rest of the Top Ten. Too bad it sounds like Kasabian. So if you're not feeling all that happy, try not to listen to it, it'll take you down to the local noose merchant. Which is a shame, because the chorus is damn fine.
9: The Veronicas - Untouched
The first time you hear this song, you will shrug and ignore it. The second time (and guaranteed you've heard it, it's had masses of airplay) you will think "Actually...that's alright." And BLAMMO. You're hooked. This is how cults start.
10:Soulja Soldier Boy - Kiss Me Thru Through the Phone
Not many people write songs about phone sex. So he should be commended for coming clean about the whole thing. Maybe that's why he started a singing career. Anything too pay off his $78billion phone bill. Again, apply the same logic to every other gangstaaaaaaa song in the world.
More next week folks!
-Az
P.S. I thought emo had left our lives? Have you seen the video for Untouched? Jesus Christ. It looks like me when I was 16 and STUPID.
Uh oh. Uh oh. Another attempt at wonderful nostalgia. Trying to get back to the old days of Motown sound. With a modern edge with the beat, and electronic instrumentation favoured by the new-romantics of the 80s. Brilliant innovation and an expert fusion of a variety of styles! Or not. The catchy opening...and verse...and chorus...and break...and outro...oh wait, the whole song is overwhelmed by uh oh. Which about sums the whole thing up.
2: Black Eyed Peas - Gotta Get That
OK, to understand this song, tap your fingers on the top of a Shreddies box, and occasionally clap. While this is going on, leave the kitchen tap on. Now use any text to speech converter to convert any generic RnB lyrics, and have any female member of your household occasionally chirp in with occasional shouts of Oh Yeah/Put your hands in the air/Come on get down/I said get down from there/You'll fall and hurt yourself/actually don't put your hands in the air if you do you'll lose your grip and fall and DIE. Oh, and the brilliant advertising "Gotta Get That." No. No I do not, I do not want that. It's a rubbish song.
3: Agnes - Release Me
Who the fuck attempts a pop career with the name Agnes? I'm also noticing a trend. "Release Me." Possibly a cry of desparation to the producer? Along the same lines of the advertising in "Gotta get that." Release Me has possibly the most idiotic lyric in all the known world: "Release me, because I'm not able to." NO SHIT. If you could get out of whatever dilemma you're in, it wouldn't be release, it'd be escape. So I say, some please release Agnes. Using a pillow to the face ala One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest.
4: Dizzee Rascal - Bonkers
Well you'd have to be to like this song ha ha ha. According to MTV this song is performed with "Van Helden," which makes me think Van Halen did the guitar that can be heard in the background, but doesn't want to be associated. Typical gangstaaaaaa stuff, regarding love of sex and violence, a heavy bass line being his kind of silence, his mum made him learn to play violins, and personally I think he should stop tryings.
5: Daniel Merriweather - Red
Zzz...Huh? Oh I need to be awake to review. The guitar is technically good. The voice is technically. Doesn't stop the song being boring and generic. It's the sort of thing that they use in Scrubs for the vaguely moralistic scenes. So if you like that sort of shit than hooray for you.
6: Keri Hilson - Knock You Down
Urgh. More of the gangstaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa stuff. But the female kind, so a positive message telling you to get back up when they've (Men. OBVIOUSLY) knocked you down. It's a duet of sorts, looks likes Male Gangstaaaaaaa is begging his Female Gangstaaaaaaaa to forgive him. Also, one of the lyrics does mention "Flying off into NASA." Assuming that they actually mean into NASA, that's a ridiculous endeavour. And pointless. Flying off with NASA doesn't make a great deal of sense either, as BA do far cheaper plane tickets.
7: David Guetta ft Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
Well the intro sounds like the piano to "Clock" by generic pop clowns Coldplay, followed by generic beats and minimal instrumentation. I can imagine this in a club being played with stupid people jumping up and down to it due to massive inebriation. Not sure why anybody would actually buy this as a single.
8: Kasabian - Fire
My hopes that this was a cover of an old Arthur Brown song were soon crippled like a caravan at a monster truck rally. But it's a fairly good song when compared to the rest of the Top Ten. Too bad it sounds like Kasabian. So if you're not feeling all that happy, try not to listen to it, it'll take you down to the local noose merchant. Which is a shame, because the chorus is damn fine.
9: The Veronicas - Untouched
The first time you hear this song, you will shrug and ignore it. The second time (and guaranteed you've heard it, it's had masses of airplay) you will think "Actually...that's alright." And BLAMMO. You're hooked. This is how cults start.
10:
Not many people write songs about phone sex. So he should be commended for coming clean about the whole thing. Maybe that's why he started a singing career. Anything too pay off his $78billion phone bill. Again, apply the same logic to every other gangstaaaaaaa song in the world.
More next week folks!
-Az
P.S. I thought emo had left our lives? Have you seen the video for Untouched? Jesus Christ. It looks like me when I was 16 and STUPID.
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Twatter
Bow before my imagination!
Some of my good friends have recently been declared mentally dead, and have got twitter accounts. WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
Twitter. For when whatever you're doing is actually boring enough to distract you and make you write in a fucking mini/wannabe blog what you're doing, for the benefit of other twats with twitter.
Do you know what you could be doing as opposed to updating Twitter? That's right, ANYTHING.
Read a newspaper! Write a novel! Draw a picture! Talk to a human being in person! Anything but goddamn twitter. It doesn't even deserve a capital letter.
-Az
Some of my good friends have recently been declared mentally dead, and have got twitter accounts. WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
Twitter. For when whatever you're doing is actually boring enough to distract you and make you write in a fucking mini/wannabe blog what you're doing, for the benefit of other twats with twitter.
Do you know what you could be doing as opposed to updating Twitter? That's right, ANYTHING.
Read a newspaper! Write a novel! Draw a picture! Talk to a human being in person! Anything but goddamn twitter. It doesn't even deserve a capital letter.
-Az
Plug #2
New link approaching with the ferocity of a starved orphan.
www.whatseatingsean.blogspot.com
Read it, and become a better person.
-Az
www.whatseatingsean.blogspot.com
Read it, and become a better person.
-Az
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Seriously?
Britain's got Talent (as long as it's dancing or singing, apparently, I see few other talents in that fucking show) has now ended. Hoorah, now we may get some good TV on a Saturday night. Or not, because it was on ITV, a station less entertaining than watching two thalidomides playing twister.
But I'm not here to rant about ITV, but rather the mass hypocrisy of the media. The curious case of Susan Boyle, the hairy angel.
The press (in the UK, any yanks reading this will not know what I'm talking about, so they can go here) have been going on a bit about L'angel de la hair, how she is THE GREAT MESSIAH OF SINGING, how she's not that great, how she's gone psychotic, and how she's not cut out for fame, and how the press should leave here alone. Well, not every newspaper, the Express is currently linking Diana's death to the drop in house prices and the rise of cancer and immigrants, and the Independent are still trying to be a serious news paper HOW CUTE.
Surely anybody at this illustrious organs will have noticed the oddity here. They talk about her unable to handle the press coverage...and keep writing about her. The Daily Hate-Mail even had an ex-Big Brother psychologist stating in their pages that she should be left alone.
What is it with Britain and wanting so desparately to see somebody fall? Not just fall, but collapse face down into the shit in the gutter outside the ITV studios. The poor woman has done nothing to offend, so maybe back off and leave here alone?
There is that side of things, but then a thought strikes. How much of this has been orchestrated? Is the whole psychosis a fraud? We all know that insanity boosts viewing figures. Maybe it's all been carefully organised. After all, the judges reactions to Das Angel von Herr looked so pantomime that I started shouting "Oh no she isn't! (a brilliant singer)" at the screen until my girlfriend elbowed me in the bollocks.
So. To recap. START PUTTING NEWS IN NEWSPAPERS.
And Diana died, get the fuck over it.
-Az
P.S. Click here
But I'm not here to rant about ITV, but rather the mass hypocrisy of the media. The curious case of Susan Boyle, the hairy angel.
The press (in the UK, any yanks reading this will not know what I'm talking about, so they can go here) have been going on a bit about L'angel de la hair, how she is THE GREAT MESSIAH OF SINGING, how she's not that great, how she's gone psychotic, and how she's not cut out for fame, and how the press should leave here alone. Well, not every newspaper, the Express is currently linking Diana's death to the drop in house prices and the rise of cancer and immigrants, and the Independent are still trying to be a serious news paper HOW CUTE.
Surely anybody at this illustrious organs will have noticed the oddity here. They talk about her unable to handle the press coverage...and keep writing about her. The Daily Hate-Mail even had an ex-Big Brother psychologist stating in their pages that she should be left alone.
What is it with Britain and wanting so desparately to see somebody fall? Not just fall, but collapse face down into the shit in the gutter outside the ITV studios. The poor woman has done nothing to offend, so maybe back off and leave here alone?
There is that side of things, but then a thought strikes. How much of this has been orchestrated? Is the whole psychosis a fraud? We all know that insanity boosts viewing figures. Maybe it's all been carefully organised. After all, the judges reactions to Das Angel von Herr looked so pantomime that I started shouting "Oh no she isn't! (a brilliant singer)" at the screen until my girlfriend elbowed me in the bollocks.
So. To recap. START PUTTING NEWS IN NEWSPAPERS.
And Diana died, get the fuck over it.
-Az
P.S. Click here
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