Pre-Owned Games

I am, unfortunately, the owner of a Nintendo Wii. Unfortunate, because apart from the Zelda game, the only other decent games are party games (unsuitable for friendless wankers like me) and Super Paper Mario, a cutesy bundle of joy with a totally unfathomable grasp of reality, and absolutely no fourth wall. Which means hoo-fucking-ray for myself, as I detest the fourth wall almost as much as I detest Nazi's spitting chewed up pieces of puppy in my face.

But alack, I cannot play SPM, because I bought it pre-owned from my local station of gaming. Far be it from me to tell the pale, skinny and malnourished warden of gaming orgasm how to do its job, but I'm quite sure when you take in equipment you're supposed to check it for tell-tale signs of damage, be they scratches on discs, or firey baboons locked in the expansion bay of a forgotten Playstation 2.

But alack, I did have the most extreme misfortune to purchase my copy of SPM with the grand canyon carved in the most shiny of discs, and hence I am stuck on the second chapter. Woe is me.

This is not the first time I have been caught out by pre-owned games, having previously encountered a copy of Grand Theft Auto 3 which wouldn't load cars and was therefore useless to me, and thus I have endevoured to write this list of suggestions concerning pre-loved slices of gaming joy.

1. Instead of trading in games, keep them as a record of acheivement
2. With particularly bad games, use them as coasters and frisbees
3. For those cyberpunks amongst you, cut them up and sew them to clothing.
4. Games store employees: stop just accepting the things, and actually perform a decent check on the fuckers. If the game does not pass the test, bringers of faulty games must be placed in a cage and boiled alive in hot faeces.
5. Idiots like me: stop being so fucking tight and pay full price for a new copy.

-Az