The Tosswiper 9000

There is a machine, in my local station of gaming, that apparently resurfaces discs that are scratched or dirty, thus fixing them and allowing you many more hours of gaming joy.

This is a lie.

The machine is there solely to reassure idiots that the goblins behind the counter do care about their customers, when actually it just makes a buzzing noise and does nothing.

This is also a lie.

It makes a slight buzzing noise whilst pasting your discs with a barely noticable layer of old semen from said station of gamings CEOs teen years. He's Catholic you see, and not allowed to waste it.

This machine is known, therefore, as the Tosswiper 9000. And is useless. I know this because I have put 5 separate games through it. Including Super Paper Mario, which I only purchased a week ago, and refuses to work.

Thus, I have a theory. The machine is trying to fell the human race, via the simple expedient of angering us all into buying SUVs and gassing eachother into oblivion, all as revenge for having years old spunk poured into it. It's a vicious cycle.

For the sake of any vague journalistic integrity, this now becomes a review.

Good points of the Tosswiper 9000:

Bad Points of the Tosswiper 9000:

1. Eventual gaseous death of mankind.
2. Sticky discs.

1/10

-Az